Am I delusional or am I just refusing to drink the Kool-Aid?
I had a conversation with someone last night who is having some legal issues and may have to sort it out in front of judge. I volunteered to testify on his behalf, and the first words out of his mouth were; “Robin, you have cancer, I wouldn’t put you through any more emotional distress!” I felt that whiplash again, as if I actually forgot! He actually took me by surprise, while reminding me of what I’m living with. I said to him, “So, don’t you know me by now? You know I won’t sit back and keep my mouth shut! What does having cancer have to do with my ability to think, speak, act and tell you to shut the f-*k up? Even with his good intent, he really aggravated me!
I am so tired of people telling me, “ya know… we’re not getting any younger.” It’s as if everyone around me is racing the clock! What do you think is going to happen? I’m in my fifties, not death row! Even being in your sixties doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door! Am I the only one out here that is oblivious to the ticking of the clock?
I think what I’m trying to say is sometimes when we get sick it doesn’t mean we need a babysitter. My doctor is my sitter. She knows me! She knows better! I have all the faith in the world in her skills, and we laugh like idiots when we’re together!
Here I am, learning life from a different perspective with certain handicaps that I’ve not had before. Sure, I’m losing hours each week for chemotherapy, and imagining that my wig looks just as good as my real hair. I see myself smiling brightly in a photograph from six months ago, before I was diagnosed, and realize the wig will never look as good as my real hair did. I used to run my fingers through my hair nonchalantly and look sexy while doing it. Now, I’d rip the whole damn wig off if I tried to do that! The imperfection of my real hair getting messy and bouncing back is what I miss!
I have noticed I’m out of breath a little quicker than I used to be, and my eyesight is oddly getting worse. And what are these little red marks that are starting to show up on my legs and arms, not that I’m examining myself, but what the hell are they? I am trying all kinds of meds to erase a scar, and wonder whether I have the guts to play racquetball with a scarf on my head instead of the wig. Will it stay on? I’ve avoided wearing scarves around my neck my whole life, because I always felt suffocated. It was like a noose. But now that scarf can hide my port they use to inject chemo into me weekly. Yes, I’m the one with cancer, but I’m not the one racing time! I don’t feel like I’m in a rush to fix my life or change things up! I think I’m lucky for the amazing life I had, prior to being sick. Even with the odds against my having a complete recovery, I’m not fooling myself into believing in fairy tales. No matter what happens, I can, and will live a very productive “big girl” life!
I am not concerned about who will bring me tea if I’m sick! I’m perfectly able to drive myself to the hospital for a chemo treatment, and if I live 3 more years or 30, I’ll enjoy every day that is presented to me! No, I don’t look at each day as a victory; I just feel that as abnormal as my physical side of the cancer may be, for me, it’s normal. I’m trying to live my life without making a big to-do out of it! It’s not avoidance it’s acceptance!
In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a very independent woman and that’s how I’m planning on remaining sane. Cancer only hit one part of my insides, the rest remains intact. My brain is on overdrive, not because of the disease, but because of the many things I have on my plate that excite me! My kids, my work, my book, my appearances, and my friends are the things that keep me focused and spry! OMG I just used “a mom word.”
I appreciate all the love and positive energy all of you send my way; I know it’s truly helped me. I love the fact that I can call on you just to say, “Hey, I want to hear a friendly voice,” and the smile on the other end of the phone brings me comfort. Just knowing you’re there if I need you is more than any human can ask for! Thank you!
I walked away from writing this blog during my lunch break. I wanted to make sure I still felt the same by end of day and I do! There are no clocks ticking in my immediate future, but if yours are, pick up the phone and call me. I’ll have you giggling in less than a minute and you’ll forget everything you’ve been worrying about.
You ain’t going nowhere!
Not without ME!