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Lemons to Lemonade – Ovarian Cancer

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Welcome to the Hotel Hospital-ia – – UT Medical Center

September 28, 2014 //  Leave a Comment

Welcome to the Hotel Hospital-ia – – UT Medical Center – Dallas, Texas

medicial“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave….”  The Eagles.

I’m back in the hospital. Oh JOY!

When you’re readmitted to a hospital, you already know the weak links of the system, so you know to sidestep them and move forward on your own.  For instance, while on my way to the chemo clinic, it was determined that my system couldn’t tolerate a second dose of the stronger Chemotherapy. My kidneys were in distress, and they wanted to monitor me and make sure the Creatinine levels returned to normal. “Robin, you’re borderline dialysis,” said the kidney Doctor. They suggested I stick around and they’d get me a room. Ha! Even a doctor prepping for someone else’s surgery knows that there is no such thing as “sticking around to make things happen faster!”

So I went home, paid bills, watched TV, and packed a bag, so when they called me and asked “where are you?” I told them “I’m minutes away, did they have a room ready?” I live 20 minutes away and the reply made me smile; “yes ma’am, within the hour you’ll be in room 333.” I would have sat there for 4 hours waiting on that room! That was trick number ONE!

Once again I am admitted to the hospital, shown to my room, unpack, and ask for pajama bottoms. No way am I getting caught in the breeze this time around with my bass (no treble) hanging out! I start to walk down the hospital hallways, all the while running into old friends that say ridiculous things, even though I know they mean well. “Oh, so happy to see you again!” “Oh, but not under these circumstances!”

My first close encounter is, “The Stick Nurse,” who is apparently known for her prowess at giving needles. I’d never met her before, but she says she’s known in these parts because, in her own words, “I only stick my patients once, because I look before I poke! Right!

She stuck and dug and infiltrated my veins until she finally said, “Girl? Your veins just keep rollin’! Do you want me to find another site?” I said, “NO. I want you to find me another NURSE!” Ok, that was my first black mark, and I admit I could have been nicer about it, but don’t tell me you’re good at one thing, and turn out to be bad at it! I HATE that!

Next; The bed was broken. It felt like an air mattress was blown up only in the middle so that every time I’d lay down I’d roll to the side! They didn’t believe me until I insisted the nurse lay down on the bed! Her words, “well bless your heart, this wouldn’t make for fine sleeping now, would it!” The mattress replacement took 3 hours. Not that I’m counting, but that would have been up to seven hours of torture, four hours waiting for my room and three hours waiting for a new mattress! I could just picture Bob Barker’s team announcing “A NEW MATTRESS!” with the model waving her sexy princess arm across it. Am I out of my mind yet? Yes….but wait! There’s more!

Next stop, the MRI and Ultrasound tests in the basement. They took me to the very cold hospital basement strapped in a wheelchair with no blanket. When I laid on the table the tech added warm gel and started probing with the wand. I began to laugh hysterically! When did I become ticklish? I kept trying to control myself because he had no sense of humor at all! My theory is that you become ticklish when you lose weight, because your bones are closer to the surface of your skin. Does this make sense?

After the sonogram I had to wait for “transport.” I waited 20 minutes for someone to come and push my chair up one elevator floor. “This is ridiculous!” I said, and grabbed a blanket left the chair. I found the elevator and snuck back to my room! What they don’t know won’t kill them. I had a conference call scheduled for 7pm and it was 6:50 already!

A young man walked in asking if he could change my bed. I was sitting in the high backed chair and waved him in happily! Anyone that offers to make my bed can just as well lie in it, figuratively speaking, of course! But when was the last time a man,  made YOUR bed? I watched him as he perfectly turned in the corners and said to him, “My mom tried to teach me to do that, but I could never master it the way you have! His response led to a long conversation about people helping each other to feel better. He felt making the perfect bed helped someone feel comfy and secure when they climbed in. He’s right of course! Then he began to tell me about his project on Anti-Poaching. He’s writing a book about endangered animals, and showed me some of his animal drawings. I’d swear I was looking at photographs, not pencil works. He kindly considered me to be one of his “go-to patients.” He said, “When I need three or more minutes to just smile and relax, I have my favorite patients to check in on, like you!

It’s amazing how we fail to look at things as others do, from different perspectives.

Then the headaches began. Oh Lord, where they came from I don’t know! Honestly, they are vicious! These were the kind of headaches that cause you to lay very still and pray very hard. It’s the “no light at the end of the tunnel,” kind of pain. All my problems were determined to have been sprung from the chemo being too strong for my system. I’ve been on pain meds, and nausea meds, while lying in this hospital bed being prepped for the next round of “”Chemo Delight!” I think it’s the equivalent to setting oneself up for disaster!

I have a great idea, being that I’ve opened up my life for all of you to see; let’s make a greater case together. I’ve shared the fact that I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, and I’ve also told you how I’ve been affected by certain treatments, as well as how to watch out for these signs in your own bodies, and what to do if you see something amiss. My idea is that we help other women get through this, together. Forward this blog to any woman you know within the ages of 25-65 as a “heads up” and together we may save a life! As I am finding out, a little knowledge goes a long way!

I have so many things I yet want to do, but saving another woman’s life is at the top of my list.

xoxo

Robin

 

Category: Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer, Robin MarshallTag: Chemotherapy

Can We Talk?

September 23, 2014 //  Leave a Comment

I’m going to’ put humor on hold for a minute as I’m just not seeing a glimpse of it. Last we spoke I was having my first round of chemo. Day one is the typical intravenous chemo and day two is the chemo injected into a port that goes straight into my abdomen.  Apparently my body wasn’t thrilled with the day two regimen.  Can we say, “sick as a dog for FIVE days?” The thing I dreaded the most, was the nausea and although I never threw up, but I wish I had! That feeling of always being on the edge where you break out in a sweat, hold your breath, and wait for your body to explode, only to have it never happen, was almost anticlimactic! Talk about looking a “gift horse in the mouth!” I’d been told that days 4 and 5 would be the worst and then, all should start heading back to normal. Wrong! They were the longest five sick days of my life. I should have easily been paid overtime for it!

My daughter Wren came to stay with me over the weekend and was the bright spot. She never complained, always asked what I might need, and rarely left my side. I was so sure we’d never make it together as we can hardly tolerate each other when we’re well, let alone if one of us is sick! Two headstrong women who love each other very much and recognize each other’s faults just by looking at ourselves in the mirror. I think we caught a glimpse of the past, present and future this time around as it mellowed us out. She kept saying to me, “I came in so that I could help you while you were throwing up, why aren’t you throwing up?” I continued to say, “shush, even when  you say the words, it makes me sick!” She left Sunday afternoon and I started to go downhill. Truthfully it started while she was here, but I was afraid to let her know. I think it’s the mom in me that continues to try and be the hero even when I’m not.

Lots of stomach pain, dizziness, and I know they say when you’re having Chemo, you’re supposed to drink a gallon of water a day, but there’s no way to do that when you’re constantly nauseous! As a result I just couldn’t eat or drink properly. The flu, that’s what it feels like! You’re in a weakened state.

Today (9/23) I went in for the “day 8 Chemo,” and met with my doctor ahead of time. I found out my body is not tolerating the second day of this poison. This explains why I was so sick for so many days. It affected my kidneys, elevating levels of who knows what, and as a result they need to re-admit me to the hospital within a couple of hours.

So back I go into the world of wandering hospital hallways in a gown that I PRAY is closed in the back! The only good thing this go-round is that I already know a lot of the hospital staff!

I know who’s buttons I can push, and those I can’t. There was one doctor who signed me out last time, and gave me my “can’s and can’t do’s,” I asked him if I could play the piano! Lord have mercy he fell for it! He got so excited that he started rambling, “yes, yes, yes!” When I finished by smiling at him and saying, “Good, because I could never play it before!” He fell into the chair near my bed, holding his head in his hands, shaking it, and laughing.

I plan on finding him to ask, “Did you miss me?”

Category: Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer, Robin MarshallTag: Chemotherapy

Chemo Injected – Start Your Engines!

September 19, 2014 //  Leave a Comment

Chemo Injected – Start Your Engines!

chemotherapyThe anticipation is by far the worst part; waiting for weeks after surgery, and wondering what it’ll feel like as Chemo goes into my veins is like a science fiction movie! Can we see it through our skin? Will it feel like oil being pushed forward like a tsunami moves torrential waters? It’s amazing what one woman and her imagination can do.

Finally! I went and had both Chemo sessions done. It felt like nothing. Tuesday it was through my vein in my arm, and they added a Benadryl cocktail ahead of time, so I was basically in “la-la land!” I slept through most of it, and woke up feeling exactly the opposite of what I’d feared, … refreshed! Very strange…  Wednesday I had the chemo injected into the port in my abdomen, and again I felt nothing as it spread and conquered what it was supposed to kill. Wouldn’t you think for a minute, that if something has entered your body to kill off little cells of cancer that you’d at least feel some sort of animosity traveling through your system? It’s easy to see that I’m on overdrive for sure. Overthinking, over expecting, maybe even over doing. It just seemed that the busier I kept the less I would think about it!

No such luck!

It’s been a day since the treatments, and I’ve gone to the health food store and bought all kinds of vegetables, that I wouldn’t normally have eaten, and with every bite I picture throwing it all up. All that expensive food just landing in the toilet. Am I a drama queen, or what!  I’ve bought everything I can think of that is filled with protein only to be told by the nutritionist that too much protein can cause kidney stones. Is there a “win” anywhere? Geeze … I thought I was a healthy eater before I was diagnosed, and now I feel like I hadn’t even touched the surface! Kale, Shitake mushrooms, okra… it’s like learning a foreign language!

My daughter is on her way here from Raleigh, NC in anticipation of spending the worst days with me. She and I tend to butt heads often, mainly because we’re so much alike. She knows that day 4 and 5 are supposed to be a nightmare. The only thing the two of us feel that is worse than throwing up, is watching someone ELSE  throwing up! She gets it from me; all we have to do is hear someone gag and we fall apart. I told her, “by the time you go home, we’ll have to decide which we hate more: each other or Chemo!”

I’m waiting for her to show up in a cab, and I’m waiting to start throwing up! I’m hoping I don’t throw up on her when she walks through the door. I’m feeling a bit crazy from the whole situation, can you tell?

I’ll let you know in the next blog what came first, her arrival, me throwing up, or her throwing up because of me. Will she get right back in the cab after realizing she couldn’t do it?

I’m actually shocked that she said, “yes, Mom… I’ll come.”

I don’t know if I could’ve done it?

I guess she loves me!

Category: Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer, Robin MarshallTag: Chemotherapy

50 Shades of Gray Doesn’t Compare to Where I AM!

September 13, 2014 //  Leave a Comment

I'm finding there is no gray anywhere anymore; it's all black or white.When I think about the single tear that slid down my daughter's face as I told her the results from my doctor, I wanted to shake her and say, "This is just a setback! You KNOW me! I have too much to do! I'm still taking care of you!" We share the same sense of humor and I thank God for that. I can make all my kids laugh by telling them the silliest of situations with my delivery of a story, and they tell a story just as well as me! We are and have been a reality show in the making ever since the day I thought of having them!

We're nowhere near perfect- omg No, but oh, how we can howl at the injustices and stupidity of those around us! It's like a secret club! Each kid filled me in with all of their medical, school, boyfriend and girlfriend news, almost as if they'd never get a chance to tell me again; like words just pouring out of a ripped milk carton spout. You never know how much will land in the glass. I felt like the glass trying to catch every drop! I was on overload by the time they were all done talking, and wondering… when did I have time to have five kids?

When you have that many kids and something life altering steps in, it tends to make you take pause and remember isolated incidents such as, my GM on Long Island got pissed off at me as I nursed my first child in-between on-air radio breaks… or a song like Stairway to Heaven that would allot me a good 7:45! Hey! I told her, "we all use that song to go to the bathroom… so why can't I nurse my kid instead?" After months of she and I torturing each other as employee and boss, we wound up being the best of friends 15 years later, living in different states and laughing about our previous hatred towards each other! She left such an impression on me, where at that point she had stage 4 cancer while being the GM at a station in Baltimore.  She'd do her chemo in her office and throw up in the garbage can. That was only 6 or 7 years ago, and she's gone now, but wow! I always felt she was the strongest woman I'd ever met.

These memories float by… like rafts in the Lazy River that I want to grab on to and then let go to make room for another…

There's a million more things that travel across my mind while I drive to the wig store to pick up what I've ordered. As I remember my first visit, I said to the very kind woman, "Please, I don't want to make an ordeal of this. I have cancer, I know I'm going to lose my hair and I'm not happy. Show me something you think will work and I'll take it." She showed me one wig- said she'd order it in my color, we tried it on and I paid for it. I was there a total of 15 minutes. Not a very long time to make a huge alteration in one's life.

 

I pulled up to the store second time around, held my breath as I walked across the parking lot, preparing myself for my inevitable future look. My ego and self worth was better, having just done two TV shows to promote my book and philosophies and spending a week with my family, so I walked in with my head up and I smiled! "What do you have for me and let's give it a shot!"

She brought the wig out, sat me down, tried it on and I HATED it! What happened to me? All of a sudden I was Me, with an opinion again! No Way was I settling for something that didn't look like me! Where this woman should have been outraged, because I refused to take this piece of hair that I committed to, instead she smiled at me and said, "I'm glad to finally be able to meet the woman you Are. Let's find you something you really like this time."

For the whole week, starting with my doctor's visit, I held in the tears, never wanting to let even one slip out of the corner of my eye as my daughter's did… because I was afraid I'd never be able to stop the flow! As this woman was so understanding with that gentle smile, I broke down. Sometimes it takes a stranger to let you be and feel, genuine.

She took the time, found me beautiful alternatives, taught me how to wear them, made me less afraid of the wind blowing, and ordered the same wig in my own  hair color so I'd have two! I can't begin to tell you how a piece of me just breathed again. I may have been holding my breath for weeks and just didn't know it!

I got home from the Carolinas and also found a box on my door step that contained three other wigs from my gorgeous and brilliant girlfriend, Arlene. She's a doctor and is the one that insisted I get a CA 125 blood test way back in the beginning. It measures cancer cells and probably saved my life as she suggested I repeat it again within a few weeks. The numbers escalated quickly and we caught it.

I know I've been preachy… but I'd like to add something to my "Preachy List," if you'll just bear with me a second longer: Yes, I'm insisting as your friend, to NOT ignore signs of something that is out of the norm- and I'm NOT talking about your husband! He will Always be "out of the norm!" I'm talking about your body. Watch, examine, read the paper, watch the news, study up on things that you see that are questionable.

My 'extra Preachy' comment is, Never stop appreciating your best girlfriend. You can't replace her, no matter how far a fight may escalate- she is still YOUR person. Love her, be kind to her, and remember that you can be a witch around her and she'll still love you. Our husbands can only TRY to be what our best girlfriends do without effort. That girlfriend is also someone you may only talk to or see once every month or so, even yearly; but she's the one that you can "pick up right where you left off with" and feel the warmth spreading through your limbs just knowing how lucky you both are to have each other.

Chemo starts on the 16th and I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared. I Am. Your support has been a godsend, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words.

Three days and counting! Truthfully? I'm more PISSED than SCARED! THAT- is a GOOD thing!

Have a wonderful day! XO

Category: Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer, Robin MarshallTag: Chemotherapy

Unexpected Results From the Doctor

September 8, 2014 //  Leave a Comment

I met with the Doctor Tues morning and left same day at 1pm to fly home to South Carolina and see my five kids. They all think so differently about life, fate and God that I had to approach each one individually. The flight gave me 3 hours to rethink what was said to me, and add five different spins on the same verdict.

The bottom line is, I'd been under the misconception that while yes, they got all the cancer out, at the same time they snipped 27 tiny pieces for biopsies just to make sure there was nothing else… because there is no cure for Ovarian Cancer. Imagine the shock in hearing your doctor say, "you'll go through 6 rounds of chemo, lose your hair, and then we'll retest you every three months for reoccurrences." My reaction was, "Wait- what? I thought I'd be done after 6 rounds of chemo?

Wrong!

It's more of a disease that needs to be maintained via chemo, and only 15-20% of women will be cancer free after chemo treatments within a 5 year period.
I was shocked into silence!

Not wallowing in depression mind you, I was just so surprised that I was unaware of the reality of the situation. I was busy thinking how to retell this diagnosis without looking for pity and gathering strength.

At first, I listened, nodded, put my wall up, wouldn't let anyone touch me for fear of falling apart before I got on the plane. Who can fly with strangers and let loose with tears? Impossible for me to do! The more I talk about it the worse it gets! Words spill out of order far faster than tears.  I could imagine saying to the person sitting next to me, "I thought I was going to be ok, and I booked a trip to spend time with my kids to rejoice that the worst part is over, but they know me so well, and they'll know I'm lying by the time I land and get to the curb!" Sure,… any stranger would get that logic! NOT! So I just shut up. I did what I do best: compartmentalize.

I received a call from the wig store while on the way to the airport. "We've got your hair, whenever you're ready we'll get you set up." In my head I'd been thinking this is short term and I'll wear this wig for 6 months and learn to love it, and after my hair starts to grow back I'll lose the wig. Now, I'm choking while thinking three months after chemo, I'll have lost the wig and then they'll tell me the cancer is back! I may need to keep the wig handy for futures.

While in South Carolina, I've been booked on two TV shows in Charlotte to promote my book, which had me shopping for dresses and shoes yet again because god forbid I'd brought one or two with me? Who knew? A third TV appearance is coming up upon my return in Dallas, and I've set up an LLC and Trademark search for my company. No…I'm not in denial. Will I be a part of the 15-20% success story? Odds are against me since one out of 27 little snippets came back positive, but as scary as it all is, my attitude is more positive than that stupid biopsy!

I've told my kids to get tested for the gene mutation blood test. At least we can be proactive in something!  Their reactions to my news was heartbreaking. Some cried silent tears, some just stared at me in disbelief and a couple left me thinking I hadn't been clear enough, but I wasn't willing to retell the tale to make sure they understood. If they didn't get it the first time, they weren't meant to be burdened.  It's as simple as that.  I love them; I told them; it broke my heart to prepare them for what very well could be, and I skated through by not dwelling on it even if I felt they didn't comprehend 100%. Does this make me a bad parent? I don't think so, I think I put us in "protect mode."

I receive multiple emails from women I don't know, thanking me for speaking up about cancer. They tell me they've gone to the doctor and that I've made a difference in their futures! I'm also receiving emails from women that want to know more about just what a "sugar mom" is, because they think they ARE one! I love it! They are taking risks to be stronger and better than they've ever been while staying sexy and alive! If I have had some responsibility in making any of these differences in multiple lives just from writing a book, a blog, and opening my mouth, then what right do I have to complain?

Get checked if something's out of the norm. YOU must be responsible for your own future! Commit to a "life less ordinary," then join me in the world of "Sugar Mom!" Just do something NEW that makes you feel special. Recognize that it's "ME TIME."

Look in the mirror and make sure you're happy with the woman you've become.

Life will not wait for you…….

Category: Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer, Robin Marshall

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