UT Southwestern, Dallas Texas
I'm not sure what day it is NOW… but if feels like day TEN!
This was to have been a four day procedure!…..And at this point there are no veins left to prod and a temper that's about to explode! The culprit? My "Bowels are sleeping and they won't wake the F.. UP!"
First of all it's a subject I never discuss… EVER! Me and the bathroom are two very private entities, just ask my husband: he's never seen me in the "powder room" while we were married? Never! My mom told me to keep mystery in a marriage. She said, "you should never let a man see you at your worst", and now here I am blogging about it. Where has my shame gone?
Medically I've had tubes in my nose that are killing my throat, one IV that's holding needles, no pain from the surgery, but yet no gain either. It's very frustrating to feel good after major surgery and still have to stick around the hospital. These doctors live a backwards life, making rounds at 4:30AM and not ending until 8am…in 15 min increments. By the time they get to me I'm so exhausted from doc number 1 that I can't think straight for doc number 4! They expect me to be coherent?
I'm worried about work. I left my assistants in charge, and I'm so proud of them, but it was a lot to prepare them for, both clerically and emotionally. I check in as often as I can and a lot depends on what tube is sticking out of where.
I'm worried about my kids. It's lonely without them, yet I don't think I'd want them to see me like this. They know me as the strong mom, not the weak one. I wonder if that was a mistake, to raise them like that under false pretenses. I think I was weaker more often than not during their upbringing but I put on a great show. I'm really not sure, it could be my frame of mind that's having me lean in that direction. They hardly call me, but it can't be because they don't love me, but maybe more because they're assuming I'm OK. I'm not sure.
Of course there are those little creeper thoughts about, "where might there be a teeny weenie bit of cancer just lurking and ready to pounce when I'm finally feeling good for a minute and get to go home. So ladies I want you to know the surgery and recovery part isn't bad. IF you catch it soon enough! It's all this other crap that'll make you nuts!
I'm sooo not looking forward to the chemo. My eyes tear when I think about throwing up and losing my hair. Our hair is such an important part of our being. It makes us feel sexy, desired. I can't, just can't even imagine what it will be like to lose that essence. I know lots of women have done it and are the stronger for it. I applaud them! I just don't know if I'll be able to be like them. I wanted time to find the perfect wig, but they're keeping me in here and who can rush while shopping for a wig, especially having never done it before! I wish there was a traveling wig store that would come to the hospital with models to show different sassy looks!
The oddest thing happened last night between my book "The Diary of a Sugar Mom," which I just recently released as FACTION, and an email I received from a character in the book that I hadn't talked to in many, many years. I didn't understand why he sent me a link, and wrote him asking so, only to realize his email had been hijacked. I thought to myself that it was so odd that of all times he'd indirectly write me while I'm the hospital because of spam! We'd shared quite a past together and if he only knew that he was a big part in my book, lol, he'd have a cow! Next thing you know he called me! Talk about bringing the book to life! Dear god, I don't think either of us was prepared for last night's conversation! I didn't tell him he was in the book. I still have this stupid way of trying to protect the men I've been with, even if they were idiots along the way, but it felt good to hear him laugh and remember the "good parts."
Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Holding on to the good parts and learning from the bad, and then just letting go?
Hopefully for all of us that are undergoing chemo we too, will be able to remember how beautiful our hair was, as we move forward to healthiness. Maybe we realize it's not as important as we think? I HOPE so…
Love and thanks to you all!