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loosing a parent

You are here: Home / Archives for loosing a parent

She Goes, and She Comes.

June 10, 2015 //  by Robin

DFW June 10th, 2015     

Two Endings

 I find that the only time I’ve got available to write lately is while I’m flying from city  to city.

 

9 days to go…I’m down to the wire now. My three-month check-up is on the 19th of June. I know this will sound crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I’m self-sabotaging.For example, not eating, resting, drinking enough water. I just don’t want “Cancer” to have the right to screw up this next blood test; I’d rather take the blame myself! As warped as that sounds, it still allows me to have some sense of control!

So much has happened,… I don’t even know how to pretend that “everything’s OK,” anymore. When you’ve been sick, healed, really gotten a lot better, enjoyed life and then are faced with a reality check like this one coming up… it’s a tough pill to swallow.

 

Within these last three months, looking back…

 

I had my final chemo session.

I made several trips back and forth to see my mom while she was in the hospital.

I made several trips to SC to spend time with my kids.

I took my family to Disney World! I was afraid, “what if there’s not another chance?”

All the while working full-time from a multitude of homemade, nationally sounding studios.

My corporate office and studio closed down, forcing my staff to a relocation to our separate homes, for now.

 

My mom passed away…. No words.

 

I’ve been moving into a new house nearby, slowly… car load by car load with a red mustang with the top down. Something out of a modern day “Beverly HillBilly’s” episode.

The movers finally showed up last Saturday for the stuff I couldn’t fit into my car! They unloaded all by 3:30 am during torrential downpours!

I left the next day for my youngest’s HS graduation, which is the beginning of her life- one which I was so thrilled to have a part in, and worked from yet another SC home studio, in between dogs barking and a friggin’ bird that wouldn’t stop chirping!

A week later, I’m now on the plane heading home.

After a grueling work week, I walked into a house filled with boxes and no sense of order whatsoever.

I’ve spent from that night after my flight landed, until the next evening unpacking, searching for things I’d forgotten I had, …and then putting them away.

I talked to 25 plants in my courtyard, bargaining with them; “I’ll stay home if you’ll come back to life? I promise I won’t neglect you anymore? Just GROW God damn it?”

 

I’ve made this house into a home.

 

I walk around from room to room wondering what my mom would’ve thought about ‘this and that’… sorry that she’ll never see this part of my life.

 

I’ve found the answer to my age-old question: “Do we Ever stop being the child?” No. Even after they die, we’re still wishing for their praise. We take nuggets of “atta girls”  from others, and make them bigger than they really are because we know we’ll never get that parental praise again. We milk whatever we can get until we finally realize we’re acting ridiculously.

 

I’m still trying to find it within me to mourn properly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve still not mourned properly for my Dad- and that was 4 years ago. How long can we hold things in until the dam breaks?

 

I’m so tired.

I have also made an appointment at MD Anderson,…. just in case. They have new technology and studies that deal with Ovarian Cancer. I’m seeing the head of the department, and I argued over the fact that it might take 2-3 days for the completion of the tests! Who have I become? It all goes back to self-sabotaging. I should be grateful that she’s seeing me – at all, -and yet I put up a wall. 

My mom would call it a “phase, or a stage” that I’m going through. Can someone tell me- When do those things END?

 

I guess it’s been a huge life lesson, to not take anyone or anything for granted. Even while I’m feeling great, … I was feeling great the last time too… and had no knowledge of what was battling inside my body? So why should I feel contented This time around?

“Twists and turns build character,” as my mom would’ve said… but, as my dad would’ve said, “You need a strong set of “sea legs” too.” Well? I have enough character to last a FULL lifetime, and my sea legs are stronger than anyone else’s I know. Gimme’ a ship that’s rockin’ and I’ll throw in the air guitar! BTW I play 11,000 air guitars, so you ‘d never tire of my style. :-).

 

While in such a hurry to pack before I left – I thought about unpacking and taking  my time when I returned, … really? Who am I kidding! I’m the ‘Type A’ woman who wants what she wants when she wants it; even if it Kills her! And I don’t mind doing it myself! Although- there was this gigundous (sp?) mirror that arrived. It was the first thing in this house that I admitted defeat on; “NO Robin, you can NOT hang a 6 foot 75 lb mirror by yourself!” At least I listened?

 

Each box that I unpacked contained a piece of my life while  throwing out the baggage that no longer matters.

 

That’s what Life is all about. Taking our time, holding on to what matters and throwing out the tumult; and by all means- taking risks! That risk will make or break your life! How intense to know that we CAN make a difference!

Thank you for following along, and feel free to make comments, I’ve finally figured out how to Answer! Hahaha!

 

In spite of the 3 mont h check up I’ve got all kinds of things going on….

 

I’m about to make you “silly up” and laugh like an idiot! No, this is not my day job… but our nights are going to take on a new life!! Does the idea of conversing with a blow-up doll spike your interest? “WHOA! What he said to me??? I should have slapped him! But? He’s full of hot air anyway! ;-” (It’s called foreshadowing.)

 

Look forward to hearing from me whether good news or bad, because I’m just not the type who can stand by and watch things happen. We’ll be laughing together all the way to the end, or there by the grace of God, a new beginning!

Glasses raised to June 19th! Cross everything ya’ got! I could use it!

 

Much love,

 

Robin

Category: Robin MarshallTag: cancer survivor, loosing a parent, parents, Robin Marshall, Sugar Mom

Losing Your Mom, 101.

May 14, 2015 //  by Robin

Dallas, Tx May 14th, 2015
 
My Mom taught me to say "please and thank you."     
 
She did a good job because I'm saying it to you. "Thank you all for your support." 
Mother DaughterDay
 
It's certainly been a rocky day. 
After being gone for 10 days while working from a closet sized studio with barking dogs, but they were under the same roof with all my kids that I miss so much… so I dealt with it… and then – coming home to my blessed bed last night, getting "the call" at 6am saying, "you're mom just passed away," … I'd like to fill those of you in, on what happens next, if ever you find yourself in that situation. If you are the only next of kin, the spotlight is on You, so you don't have time for grieving. You must:
 
1. Forget about unpacking your 10 days worth of clothes while thinking you'll need to pack again in a day.
 
2. You'll need closure, you make calls to the institution your parent had been staying in- over and over again, because you're in shock- and there's always one more thing you forgot to ask!
"How did it happen? Was she sleeping? Was it something I asked you to do that may have been the catalyst for her death? Did she feel anything? How long can I leave her there, legally speaking?"
 
3. You'll try to find the will to find her will. What did she want? Burial? Cremation?
 
4. You'll realize there is no will, there's only a way. YOUR way. You need to choose, and you Do. 
 
5. Call a list of funeral homes and do comparison shopping. OMG it's true. One place charges $5K for cremation and 2-two hour visitation blocks, while another charges half of that and gives you the joint for the whole day! The thought process is borderline insanity; "if they give it all for half-price it can't be the best place? Right?" So you keep calling other establishments until you realize it's a racket more often than not. 
 
6. You find the right place because the stranger on the other end of the phone makes you feel like "they GET you!" They offer empathy, not sympathy. There's a remarkable difference between the two, while going through this madness.  You pay to have your parent made into ashes or filled with formaldehyde. 
 
7. You pick your time slot for people to come see each other in a funeral parlor, who more than likely haven't seen You in 30+ years! The conversations prematurely start playing in your head; "My goodness! You got OLD!" How many times I kicked myself today just knowing I'd say the wrong thing most of the time, in that 3 hour window. 
 
8. You make phone calls from your parents hand written phone book to the same people you've already had those imaginary conversations with! Who in their right mind would choose a funeral home with a name they can't pronounce? Me. I had to keep looking at the website to phonetically read it on every phone call. 
 
9. It would be nice if you and your family could make it to this shebang, so you need to book flights to get there! In my case I needed to book 6 people in 3 different states. I have trouble booking my Own flights (an ADD issue) let alone close to a basketball team? To coordinate everyone's flight to try and arrive and depart at the same time makes you forget about your lost parent in a hurry. In fact, you wind up talking to yourself the more frustrated you become: "you died on purpose, didn't you – Just to put me through all of this aggravation! Admit it, Mom!"
 
10. Damn it? I just realized I forgot to book a van!
 
11. Gone is the phrase "room," … You now need to book a "Wing" of a hotel to house everyone. 
 
12. You must find their significant other! This should have been written as #1, but it Was the first thing I tried to do but I  couldn't find him, all day! I kept calling and calling… This man has lived with her for what feels like a zillion years, and when he finally DID call, saying he was on his way to see her I had to tell him to turn around, she wasn't there anymore.  THAT went over well?
 
13. You'll be almost ready for bed after this day of hell when you'll remember: "Shit! I forgot to write her obituary!" This is not your blog-type writing; this is structure. You must pull from your days of learning cursive and coming home to show your mom, and hoping she'll be proud of your work!…. And then it all starts to sink in. 
 
14. The Facebook 'dings' you've been hearing all day, …you decide that it might be a good way to unwind and so you go and face the music. "I'm so sorry for your loss,"… "Please accept my condolences," and you realize if your friends are talking about this… then it must be true. You've really lost your mom, and it's not just in a parking lot filled with cars; you've lost her, for good. 
 
15. You feel that weight on your chest and in your heart. If you're a Type-A kinda' person you now understand that, "No, we can't fix everything. No, even with our capes and pixie dust, we can't bring her back. 
 
16. You'll feel like we're six again. We wonder when we'll Ever grow up. The old radio joke is no longer funny as we say it, because it's not about "not being able to grow up if you're in the radio industry because ya' can't do Both- it's about the fact we've spent our whole lives seeking praise from our parents, and now we know, … no one will ever tell us again, "how Proud they are of us!"
 
Were on our own. 
 
Finally I went upstairs at the end of the night and saw that I've still not unpacked from that 10 day trip, and decided to look for a different suitcase instead, but I heard my mom's voice,
"Robin? Do you think those clothes are gonna' unpack themselves? Didn't I teach you to always look back at the room you were just in, and make sure it looks exactly the same when you leave it?"
 
And then you hear the words inside your head, escape your lips, "but Mom…??"
 

 

In memory of my mom, Elayne.

Love to you all,

Robin

Category: Robin MarshallTag: children, death, loosing a parent, Moms, Robin Marshall

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