I am now back to my ‘semi-normal’ self! (that’s as good as I get.) Here’s the things I’ve learned while moving from NY to Charlotte:
1. Just because a hotel says it has internet, does not mean it DOES have internet!
2. Always buy your children New Laptops before a major road trip! If your Kids are happy? YOU are happy!
3. NEVER travel with your pet in the car! Pay someone else TONS of Money to do that for you. You may THINK your pet is housebroken, until you get on the road. All rules go flying out the back window.
4. Never back up at a toll- thingy! That’s why that big sign is there in the first place! The one we just never saw before? It says, “Do Not Back Up,” for a very good reason!
5. Always Mapquest your trip, PRIOR to the trip. Don’t GUESTIMATE the distance,- KNOW it! This way, when you stop Half Way- it will really BE halfway. No rude surprises day two, like…”WHAT da’ ya’ MEAN we have another 13 hours to go??”
6. A GPS is better than Chocolate. It’s better than sex. It’s better than sex while eating chocolate!
7. If Ms. GPS says, “Recalculating…” … you screwed up. Get over it.
8. Front passanger seat must always be shared equally. I don’t care WHO the oldest kid is,… you best share that chair if you want your sanity.
9. Do not- I repeat- Do NOT travel with your husband! It is such a breath of fresh air, to make mistakes and not have someone shake their head at you while doing so! I found myself making mistakes On Purpose!
10. When uprooting your children from one life to another, make sure your bargainng chip is in place. No ‘takesie-backsies.’ If you tell them they will arrive at a new house with an inground pool that is breathtaking? That pool best be filled when you get there. NOT as what happened in MY case, where we were driving, received the call that the liner had ripped, and my NYC roots sprung their OWN leak!
11. When ‘bargaining chip ONE’ falls through temporarily,… make sure to have ‘bargaining chip 2’ in place, just in case. I bought all three season passes at the biggest amusement park I’ve ever seen. Pool? What POOL?
12. When grocery shopping for the first time, in a new city- Don’t Expect your debit card to WORK! Somehow the Bank screws with your account, and I think they do it on PURPOSE- just to mess with you! When this happens, and you don’t have cash- ask the cashier to put your two bagged carts in a refrigerated cooler, while you pray the GPS will find your house for you, so that you can travel Back with Cash- to the store that was the wrong grocery store in the FIRST place.
13. When your new neighbor shows up with gifts, just say ‘THANK YOU!” Even though you’ve just been through the trip from HELL- DON’T ROLL your EYES!
14. Call your husband periodically and pretend like you miss him. He will NEVER understand, not in a million years- that you’ve been too inundated to miss him! He only THINKS he knows the feeling of ‘overwhelmed.’ He Doesn’t. Trust me.
15. When the pool guy shows up, day 4,… which of course was the first time I had had the chance to throw on a bikini and sit by the demon pool, and he yells out, “Hello!” Don’t do as I did: Yell back, “I’m NOT DRESSED!” He will LEAVE- and then you are screwed AGAIN by that damn pool! I’m learning- I threw on a towel, and smiled at him? And told him how much I’d missed him…before I realized I had him and my husband mixed up!