I'm finding there is no gray anywhere anymore; it's all black or white.When I think about the single tear that slid down my daughter's face as I told her the results from my doctor, I wanted to shake her and say, "This is just a setback! You KNOW me! I have too much to do! I'm still taking care of you!" We share the same sense of humor and I thank God for that. I can make all my kids laugh by telling them the silliest of situations with my delivery of a story, and they tell a story just as well as me! We are and have been a reality show in the making ever since the day I thought of having them!
We're nowhere near perfect- omg No, but oh, how we can howl at the injustices and stupidity of those around us! It's like a secret club! Each kid filled me in with all of their medical, school, boyfriend and girlfriend news, almost as if they'd never get a chance to tell me again; like words just pouring out of a ripped milk carton spout. You never know how much will land in the glass. I felt like the glass trying to catch every drop! I was on overload by the time they were all done talking, and wondering… when did I have time to have five kids?
When you have that many kids and something life altering steps in, it tends to make you take pause and remember isolated incidents such as, my GM on Long Island got pissed off at me as I nursed my first child in-between on-air radio breaks… or a song like Stairway to Heaven that would allot me a good 7:45! Hey! I told her, "we all use that song to go to the bathroom… so why can't I nurse my kid instead?" After months of she and I torturing each other as employee and boss, we wound up being the best of friends 15 years later, living in different states and laughing about our previous hatred towards each other! She left such an impression on me, where at that point she had stage 4 cancer while being the GM at a station in Baltimore. She'd do her chemo in her office and throw up in the garbage can. That was only 6 or 7 years ago, and she's gone now, but wow! I always felt she was the strongest woman I'd ever met.
These memories float by… like rafts in the Lazy River that I want to grab on to and then let go to make room for another…
There's a million more things that travel across my mind while I drive to the wig store to pick up what I've ordered. As I remember my first visit, I said to the very kind woman, "Please, I don't want to make an ordeal of this. I have cancer, I know I'm going to lose my hair and I'm not happy. Show me something you think will work and I'll take it." She showed me one wig- said she'd order it in my color, we tried it on and I paid for it. I was there a total of 15 minutes. Not a very long time to make a huge alteration in one's life.
I pulled up to the store second time around, held my breath as I walked across the parking lot, preparing myself for my inevitable future look. My ego and self worth was better, having just done two TV shows to promote my book and philosophies and spending a week with my family, so I walked in with my head up and I smiled! "What do you have for me and let's give it a shot!"
She brought the wig out, sat me down, tried it on and I HATED it! What happened to me? All of a sudden I was Me, with an opinion again! No Way was I settling for something that didn't look like me! Where this woman should have been outraged, because I refused to take this piece of hair that I committed to, instead she smiled at me and said, "I'm glad to finally be able to meet the woman you Are. Let's find you something you really like this time."
For the whole week, starting with my doctor's visit, I held in the tears, never wanting to let even one slip out of the corner of my eye as my daughter's did… because I was afraid I'd never be able to stop the flow! As this woman was so understanding with that gentle smile, I broke down. Sometimes it takes a stranger to let you be and feel, genuine.
She took the time, found me beautiful alternatives, taught me how to wear them, made me less afraid of the wind blowing, and ordered the same wig in my own hair color so I'd have two! I can't begin to tell you how a piece of me just breathed again. I may have been holding my breath for weeks and just didn't know it!
I got home from the Carolinas and also found a box on my door step that contained three other wigs from my gorgeous and brilliant girlfriend, Arlene. She's a doctor and is the one that insisted I get a CA 125 blood test way back in the beginning. It measures cancer cells and probably saved my life as she suggested I repeat it again within a few weeks. The numbers escalated quickly and we caught it.
I know I've been preachy… but I'd like to add something to my "Preachy List," if you'll just bear with me a second longer: Yes, I'm insisting as your friend, to NOT ignore signs of something that is out of the norm- and I'm NOT talking about your husband! He will Always be "out of the norm!" I'm talking about your body. Watch, examine, read the paper, watch the news, study up on things that you see that are questionable.
My 'extra Preachy' comment is, Never stop appreciating your best girlfriend. You can't replace her, no matter how far a fight may escalate- she is still YOUR person. Love her, be kind to her, and remember that you can be a witch around her and she'll still love you. Our husbands can only TRY to be what our best girlfriends do without effort. That girlfriend is also someone you may only talk to or see once every month or so, even yearly; but she's the one that you can "pick up right where you left off with" and feel the warmth spreading through your limbs just knowing how lucky you both are to have each other.
Chemo starts on the 16th and I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared. I Am. Your support has been a godsend, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words.
Three days and counting! Truthfully? I'm more PISSED than SCARED! THAT- is a GOOD thing!
Have a wonderful day! XO