Robin Marshalls Arts: Voice and Paint

Very Vocal - Very Creative - Artistically WILD!

From Video Shoots to the Waiting Room

//  Leave a Comment

robin shirtJuly whatever! I don’t wantto know… Dallas, Tx 201

Amazingly, last night we spent hours shooting video tape for a project I’m involved in, and to be fair, no, I haven’t mentioned anything to you yet because I’m sort of living a quarterly life! I say this while today I’m sitting in the waiting room of my oncologists office. I sit and give new meaning to the words “waiting room!” As we’re all aware, I’m not the most patient patient!

I figure, if I make it out alive this first quarter and they change my status to living a bi- monthly life instead…then I’ll spill the beans on the video stream! Just know that there were a lot of clothes taken off and put on, a shadow box, lots of laughter and heels! Wow! That would make a great book title! “A Shadowbox, Laughter and Heels!” Oh My!

I’m sitting here being what I think is Entertaining, but please understand I’m truly scared to death. In fact I couldn’t believe my blood pressure was 100 over 60 because I thought I was having a heart attack just from the anxiety of not knowing the outcome!

So, at least we know I can handle pressure, laugh and be entertaining while I’m a nervous wreck- but the favor I ask of You is to cross your fingers and if you were blessed with long toes, cross them too! I could use a stroke of luck! And of Course, this Doctor, my dear friend, saves me for last because I’m her favorite patient! So? I Wait!!!

 

She Goes, and She Comes.

//  2 Comments

DFW June 10th, 2015     

Two Endings

 I find that the only time I’ve got available to write lately is while I’m flying from city  to city.

 

9 days to go…I’m down to the wire now. My three-month check-up is on the 19th of June. I know this will sound crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I’m self-sabotaging.For example, not eating, resting, drinking enough water. I just don’t want “Cancer” to have the right to screw up this next blood test; I’d rather take the blame myself! As warped as that sounds, it still allows me to have some sense of control!

So much has happened,… I don’t even know how to pretend that “everything’s OK,” anymore. When you’ve been sick, healed, really gotten a lot better, enjoyed life and then are faced with a reality check like this one coming up… it’s a tough pill to swallow.

 

Within these last three months, looking back…

 

I had my final chemo session.

I made several trips back and forth to see my mom while she was in the hospital.

I made several trips to SC to spend time with my kids.

I took my family to Disney World! I was afraid, “what if there’s not another chance?”

All the while working full-time from a multitude of homemade, nationally sounding studios.

My corporate office and studio closed down, forcing my staff to a relocation to our separate homes, for now.

 

My mom passed away…. No words.

 

I’ve been moving into a new house nearby, slowly… car load by car load with a red mustang with the top down. Something out of a modern day “Beverly HillBilly’s” episode.

The movers finally showed up last Saturday for the stuff I couldn’t fit into my car! They unloaded all by 3:30 am during torrential downpours!

I left the next day for my youngest’s HS graduation, which is the beginning of her life- one which I was so thrilled to have a part in, and worked from yet another SC home studio, in between dogs barking and a friggin’ bird that wouldn’t stop chirping!

A week later, I’m now on the plane heading home.

After a grueling work week, I walked into a house filled with boxes and no sense of order whatsoever.

I’ve spent from that night after my flight landed, until the next evening unpacking, searching for things I’d forgotten I had, …and then putting them away.

I talked to 25 plants in my courtyard, bargaining with them; “I’ll stay home if you’ll come back to life? I promise I won’t neglect you anymore? Just GROW God damn it?”

 

I’ve made this house into a home.

 

I walk around from room to room wondering what my mom would’ve thought about ‘this and that’… sorry that she’ll never see this part of my life.

 

I’ve found the answer to my age-old question: “Do we Ever stop being the child?” No. Even after they die, we’re still wishing for their praise. We take nuggets of “atta girls”  from others, and make them bigger than they really are because we know we’ll never get that parental praise again. We milk whatever we can get until we finally realize we’re acting ridiculously.

 

I’m still trying to find it within me to mourn properly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve still not mourned properly for my Dad- and that was 4 years ago. How long can we hold things in until the dam breaks?

 

I’m so tired.

I have also made an appointment at MD Anderson,…. just in case. They have new technology and studies that deal with Ovarian Cancer. I’m seeing the head of the department, and I argued over the fact that it might take 2-3 days for the completion of the tests! Who have I become? It all goes back to self-sabotaging. I should be grateful that she’s seeing me – at all, -and yet I put up a wall. 

My mom would call it a “phase, or a stage” that I’m going through. Can someone tell me- When do those things END?

 

I guess it’s been a huge life lesson, to not take anyone or anything for granted. Even while I’m feeling great, … I was feeling great the last time too… and had no knowledge of what was battling inside my body? So why should I feel contented This time around?

“Twists and turns build character,” as my mom would’ve said… but, as my dad would’ve said, “You need a strong set of “sea legs” too.” Well? I have enough character to last a FULL lifetime, and my sea legs are stronger than anyone else’s I know. Gimme’ a ship that’s rockin’ and I’ll throw in the air guitar! BTW I play 11,000 air guitars, so you ‘d never tire of my style. :-).

 

While in such a hurry to pack before I left – I thought about unpacking and taking  my time when I returned, … really? Who am I kidding! I’m the ‘Type A’ woman who wants what she wants when she wants it; even if it Kills her! And I don’t mind doing it myself! Although- there was this gigundous (sp?) mirror that arrived. It was the first thing in this house that I admitted defeat on; “NO Robin, you can NOT hang a 6 foot 75 lb mirror by yourself!” At least I listened?

 

Each box that I unpacked contained a piece of my life while  throwing out the baggage that no longer matters.

 

That’s what Life is all about. Taking our time, holding on to what matters and throwing out the tumult; and by all means- taking risks! That risk will make or break your life! How intense to know that we CAN make a difference!

Thank you for following along, and feel free to make comments, I’ve finally figured out how to Answer! Hahaha!

 

In spite of the 3 mont h check up I’ve got all kinds of things going on….

 

I’m about to make you “silly up” and laugh like an idiot! No, this is not my day job… but our nights are going to take on a new life!! Does the idea of conversing with a blow-up doll spike your interest? “WHOA! What he said to me??? I should have slapped him! But? He’s full of hot air anyway! ;-” (It’s called foreshadowing.)

 

Look forward to hearing from me whether good news or bad, because I’m just not the type who can stand by and watch things happen. We’ll be laughing together all the way to the end, or there by the grace of God, a new beginning!

Glasses raised to June 19th! Cross everything ya’ got! I could use it!

 

Much love,

 

Robin

Losing Your Mom, 101.

//  3 Comments

Dallas, Tx May 14th, 2015
 
My Mom taught me to say "please and thank you."     
 
She did a good job because I'm saying it to you. "Thank you all for your support." 
Mother DaughterDay
 
It's certainly been a rocky day. 
After being gone for 10 days while working from a closet sized studio with barking dogs, but they were under the same roof with all my kids that I miss so much… so I dealt with it… and then – coming home to my blessed bed last night, getting "the call" at 6am saying, "you're mom just passed away," … I'd like to fill those of you in, on what happens next, if ever you find yourself in that situation. If you are the only next of kin, the spotlight is on You, so you don't have time for grieving. You must:
 
1. Forget about unpacking your 10 days worth of clothes while thinking you'll need to pack again in a day.
 
2. You'll need closure, you make calls to the institution your parent had been staying in- over and over again, because you're in shock- and there's always one more thing you forgot to ask!
"How did it happen? Was she sleeping? Was it something I asked you to do that may have been the catalyst for her death? Did she feel anything? How long can I leave her there, legally speaking?"
 
3. You'll try to find the will to find her will. What did she want? Burial? Cremation?
 
4. You'll realize there is no will, there's only a way. YOUR way. You need to choose, and you Do. 
 
5. Call a list of funeral homes and do comparison shopping. OMG it's true. One place charges $5K for cremation and 2-two hour visitation blocks, while another charges half of that and gives you the joint for the whole day! The thought process is borderline insanity; "if they give it all for half-price it can't be the best place? Right?" So you keep calling other establishments until you realize it's a racket more often than not. 
 
6. You find the right place because the stranger on the other end of the phone makes you feel like "they GET you!" They offer empathy, not sympathy. There's a remarkable difference between the two, while going through this madness.  You pay to have your parent made into ashes or filled with formaldehyde. 
 
7. You pick your time slot for people to come see each other in a funeral parlor, who more than likely haven't seen You in 30+ years! The conversations prematurely start playing in your head; "My goodness! You got OLD!" How many times I kicked myself today just knowing I'd say the wrong thing most of the time, in that 3 hour window. 
 
8. You make phone calls from your parents hand written phone book to the same people you've already had those imaginary conversations with! Who in their right mind would choose a funeral home with a name they can't pronounce? Me. I had to keep looking at the website to phonetically read it on every phone call. 
 
9. It would be nice if you and your family could make it to this shebang, so you need to book flights to get there! In my case I needed to book 6 people in 3 different states. I have trouble booking my Own flights (an ADD issue) let alone close to a basketball team? To coordinate everyone's flight to try and arrive and depart at the same time makes you forget about your lost parent in a hurry. In fact, you wind up talking to yourself the more frustrated you become: "you died on purpose, didn't you – Just to put me through all of this aggravation! Admit it, Mom!"
 
10. Damn it? I just realized I forgot to book a van!
 
11. Gone is the phrase "room," … You now need to book a "Wing" of a hotel to house everyone. 
 
12. You must find their significant other! This should have been written as #1, but it Was the first thing I tried to do but I  couldn't find him, all day! I kept calling and calling… This man has lived with her for what feels like a zillion years, and when he finally DID call, saying he was on his way to see her I had to tell him to turn around, she wasn't there anymore.  THAT went over well?
 
13. You'll be almost ready for bed after this day of hell when you'll remember: "Shit! I forgot to write her obituary!" This is not your blog-type writing; this is structure. You must pull from your days of learning cursive and coming home to show your mom, and hoping she'll be proud of your work!…. And then it all starts to sink in. 
 
14. The Facebook 'dings' you've been hearing all day, …you decide that it might be a good way to unwind and so you go and face the music. "I'm so sorry for your loss,"… "Please accept my condolences," and you realize if your friends are talking about this… then it must be true. You've really lost your mom, and it's not just in a parking lot filled with cars; you've lost her, for good. 
 
15. You feel that weight on your chest and in your heart. If you're a Type-A kinda' person you now understand that, "No, we can't fix everything. No, even with our capes and pixie dust, we can't bring her back. 
 
16. You'll feel like we're six again. We wonder when we'll Ever grow up. The old radio joke is no longer funny as we say it, because it's not about "not being able to grow up if you're in the radio industry because ya' can't do Both- it's about the fact we've spent our whole lives seeking praise from our parents, and now we know, … no one will ever tell us again, "how Proud they are of us!"
 
Were on our own. 
 
Finally I went upstairs at the end of the night and saw that I've still not unpacked from that 10 day trip, and decided to look for a different suitcase instead, but I heard my mom's voice,
"Robin? Do you think those clothes are gonna' unpack themselves? Didn't I teach you to always look back at the room you were just in, and make sure it looks exactly the same when you leave it?"
 
And then you hear the words inside your head, escape your lips, "but Mom…??"
 

 

In memory of my mom, Elayne.

Love to you all,

Robin

Gimme the Beat Boys….

//  Leave a Comment

In the air between Dallas, Tx and Pgh, Pa. March 21.2015

 image

One of the happiest days of my life has been dancing with my daughters! In case you missed it on FB – here we are! LOL! The greatest joy is that I know a lot of you watched (over 2500 views on FB) and laughed along with me!

Since my last chemo treatment, I'm feeling stronger every day- much more  focused and happy with life. I'm here for the taking, if any of you  should suffer from this illness and need a "lift!" Just put your lips together and yell, "ROBIN!!!!"

I've learned something very interesting throughout this whole ordeal; and that is, "Hope," is stronger than any drug on the market. "Will" is a close second. Chemo only helps.

So many things are changing around me… my office is moving to a different location. I've watched close to 60 people that I consider to be "family," lose their jobs. I know in our industry of radio, it's old news… but there are some things you just don't get used to, even after all these years.

I wish for all who I saw packing up their boxes and shuffling through the glass doors for the last time, nothing but success! It's so difficult to reinvent ones self at our age, and it's certainly not what we'd have planned,… but if you can do it, the place you land, will be steady ground! To change Everything that you've known how to do, and Learn to be something else- is a Major Accomplishment. Something that I'm sure, would urge our moms to say, "I'm so Proud of you!"

They are tearing down the walls as we speak; furniture is being taken out and placed into moving vans, by droves of moving men- all while my staff continues to work in the building. We are the only piece of the company that didn't really belong in this building, and yet we're probably going to be the last group to exit. 

My question is: How does a 5'7" woman weighing 140 something get an 8X4 ft wooden desk that is nailed to the floor- Un-nailed and carried out of the premisis? Let's not forget the console and the boom mic are attached to that board as well! I will NOT let anyone take those pieces apart because I know God damn well I'd Never be able to put them back together! This huge piece is to go in my new home- you heard right: I'm moving out of my old workplace, into a new workplace, as is everyone else that is still employed in the building… at the same time I'm moving out of my apartment into a new home!

The REALLY CRAZY PART is… we all know this is RADIO! I'm buying a house, after renting an apartment for almost 3 years while living here in Dallas, when I could just as easily lose my job as did the rest of my friends! I think at some point, ya' have to throw caution to the wind  and finally admit that you "HOPE" (there's that word again) it won't happen to you! I need a place to hang my hat (or wig) that's big enough to hold a bigger home studio and my kids, when they come to see me.

This last week, I had 4 out of 5 kids come in, and we slept all over the place! One with me, one on the couch, another on a blow up bed, another on the floor… we looked like little birds that might have been shot out of the sky and landed in all different positions.  Yes, the real reason I'm getting this house is because I want my kids close and comfortable when they come, and this is a way to bribe them to come down and see me more often! "Pick out the curtains you'd like in your bedroom of your home away from home!"

All of this exactly one month following my last dose of chemo. Some might call me crazy… oh hell… EVERYONE calls me crazy!

I'm on my way to Pittsburgh again to see my mom, in yet another nursing home… this time my youngest will be meeting up with me at the Pittsburgh Airport. We will see "grandma" a few times and then have a much needed "mommy daughter night" or two! My mom's condition keeps changing and I can't seem to get a Doctor to take my  calls, return them, no email- no nothin'! I'm going to see with my own eyes, just how she's doing. This time around, I'm also going to make sure that the staff understands me: "CALL ME with changes in her condition!" No more Ms. Nice-girl! 

Thank you for continuing to follow my story,… know that I adore you, and if you hear on the news, a story about a woman that lost her mind in a nursing home in Pittsburgh… you'll know it was me!

Enjoy the video if you haven't seen it before! I could only snag two of my daughters to do the dance with me… but Oh..,What a blast!!!!

xoxo

Robin