I’m “cleaning out my closet” of life. All of a sudden I’m realizing that the important things should stay and the non-relevant things should go. Clothes, files, friends and so on have been looked at twice with intent on keeping only what really matters. Is it due to having an illness that has the capabilities of snuffing out my life? Maybe. We're not in Kansas anymore!
I think, when faced with cancer or any other life-altering disease, we eventually break things down in our minds, souls and hearts by way of a “life-like scale!” Let’s give everything a number: 1,2 or 3: if it’s a 1 it’s a goner; 2 deserves consideration and 3 is a keeper! I’m down to bare bones with my number system, which is very telling. I either embraced too many for the wrong reasons or didn’t embrace enough because I was always rushing. Now I look very closely at those I’ve kept, and try to take better care. Things and people that are precious to you, deserve that “extra lovin’.”
I sat with my Doctor and her two nurses last night, as she chose to make me her last appointment. Why? We all laugh about the most unrelated topics while I’m in her office! I mentioned once before that one of my nurses in the hospital told me that he had his favorite patients, and would save them for special times of the day so that he could have a lift! I guess it works the same way with Doctors… I never thought about a typical day from a nurse or Doctor’s point of view, have you? I find myself aggravated if the Doc is running late, or doesn’t have my chart memorized… or the nurse doesn’t know why they’re drawing blood, or that I hate shots! Now I get it! I’ve learned that there are certain patients that are draining to the medical staff; patients they wish they didn’t have – patients they run out of patience with, quickly! They also have their favorites, and I’m honored to know that I AM one! I understood quickly that after seeing so much sickness in people with lousy attitudes every day, they need a break; even if only for 15 minutes! They need someone who can make them laugh!
They reminded me of my first visit; where she broke the news to me about having cancer and how I became very indignant to her, and her nurse. I honestly didn’t remember it until they reiterated certain things I’d said; things I could easily picture coming out of my mouth! “I have no time for this; is what you’re saying at this point really relevant, or can I GO?” “I don’t understand One Thing you’ve said to me. I want you to talk to my girlfriend, who’s a doctor in NY; I’m calling her on my cell. Then SHE can tell it to ME in “real-people” talk”…. as I entered her number into my phone. Yup! I could easily hear those strings of rudeness spewing from my lips! As belligerent as I’d been to them then, is as close as we’ve all become. They’re strong women too and understood that I’d been in shock. Strong women support strong women!
We spoke of so many incidents that were so very important, where we each learned so much from the other. I easily said the words, “Yeah… I felt the loving from you right after you almost KILLED me with your first issued round of chemo – hell you put me back in the hospital for 9 days!” My Doctor who’s humble and sharp as a tack said, “I really thought you could handle the dose based on your daily routines and your fitness level! You shocked ME as much as yourself, by not being strong enough!”
How do you argue with a professional that tells it like it is? You don’t. You learn to accept and appreciate. I find myself thinking about how much I’ll miss them when I finish… and if maybe they’d want to go out and have a drink? As of right now, I drink only clear liquids based on her advice; including vodka! Ha! Some nights I’ll even make a very healthy smoothie and throw a couple shots in the blender! Come on… ya’ only live once!
I wanted to mention the CA 125 number that I’d shown you the last time has dropped even lower, to an 18. This means I’m trending low each week, which is a very good indicator that the chemo has worked! I felt free enough to ask her, “since I continue to trend low… does this raise the odds of the cancer not coming back?”
Silence.
I tried again from a different angle, “I mean… the odds of it NOT coming back are 15-20%… do you think I’ll beat those odds based on my numbers?”
More silence.
I looked from her to the two nurses, and no one said a word until she offered, “No, the statistics stay the same, but we want to do genetics testing and you may fit into some sort of medical trial, where they offer you new meds to beat your specific type of cancer.”
I felt like a tire that was running out of air. Never ask a question for which you’re not prepared to hear the answer! It’s the golden rule of sales- a rule I’ve grown up with, and I still asked the question! What could I have been thinking!
So now? I have to prove her statistics wrong, and the Bitch in me- WILL.
For those of you that are also going through any type of cancer, I have a “Robin To-Do” list. They are little tips that can keep you looking and feeling more like You!
(skip this part and head to the end if you’re not in need)
Don’t give in to the disease, no matter how sick you feel; make sure you dress, do makeup and wear a wig even while in the house. How you look can easily affect how you feel. When people meet you, knowing you have cancer, if you look the part, they tend to keep a distance from you. If instead, you look as good as you get, it shows people that you really care and that you’re a fighter! People respect this and would rather keep you closer.
• Makeup • Eyebrows- buy an eyebrow pencil that doesn’t rub off. I use “Ulta- BrowPower • Eyelashes- Mascara is important if you still have eyelashes, even if only a very few left use a curled wand and I swear by Loreal Voluminous! • If no eyelashes get fake eyelashes. This brand, Ardell really works. Don’t fall for the black glue tactic! It creates more anxiety and mess than anything else. White glue, blow on it for a good 10 sec before trying to put them on. The idea is to let the glue get tacky instead of wet. It only took me 30 years to figure this out after trying desperately to put them on my girls, unsuccessfully at dance competitions. • Eyeliner- very important to use the right one! Otherwise your eyes look like they blend in with your face. I use Loreal Color Rich on the top lid and inside the lower lid. It defines your eyes, and they are the most important part of your face! • Skin care- Loreal Revitalift face wash towelettes. • Pore reducers are great to use because they even out your skin tone. Chemo does weird things to your skin and this can bring you close to looking normal! • Cover up- something that’s almost translucent works best; just a touch of color. I use Rimmel Fix and Perfect.
• Translucent powder works wonders on top of all of the above! Use a big brush and shake off the loose powder before you apply it. I use Physicians Formula- translucent. • Blush- same method of application as the powder, and don’t go crazy with getting really pink. Subtle works best. You’re trying to look Normal not like you’re on stage. My choice is Happy Booster- Rose! • Spray tanning- it’s a pain, but the medium color will keep you looking healthy and not pasty. Ask for directions so you don’t turn yourself orange in certain places! • Wigs- always have more than one! You have no idea how that wig is going to wear, or last, or look on you until you start wearing it daily. A back-up is a necessity! I would stay away from real hair wigs, because I’ve learned that the chemo goes through your scalp and can destroy any wig, any time. Double sided tape helps; just a tiny strip across the front and very bottom in the back.
• Are we exhausted yet???
• Scarves are always good to have by your front door in case someone comes a’ knockin’… you can throw one on.
• Stop wasting your money on fill-ins or manicures. Your nails may change or have ridges, and the easiest and prettiest fix are the glue on nails that you can buy in any pharmacy department. BROADWAY NAILS are what I use. Only buy the ones with the tabs! You need to keep your sanity right about now, and the tabs help!
• Continue to wear high heels if you previously wore them. Your legs will stay in better shape.
• Understand ahead of time that you will gain a few pounds from the chemo, steroids and fluids that they pump into your IV. Just remember: it’s “water-weight!” Don’t get mad at yourself for gaining the weight; there are certain things we can and can not control. This is one of them. Eat healthy, lots of fruit, veggies, water, fish, and I swear I couldn’t make it through the day without a martini at night. Don’t tell your doctor I suggested this, please. When I told My doctor that it was a part of my regimen she almost fell off of her stool. I explained that she’d said, “Clear Liquids!” It’s the first time I’ve seen her speechless.
• You will be colder when it’s cold outside. Always have a sweater or jacket.
• You will be hotter when it’s hot outside! Dress in layers and don’t be afraid to take them off!
• Always carry Murine, your eyes get a little crazy during chemo, and it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get those pharmacy glasses a bit stronger than you may normally need. They say not to change prescriptions while on chemo because your eyes will go back to the way they were when you complete the cycles. Pharmacy glasses are the easy fix.
• Skin moisturizers are very important to use every day. You’ll notice your legs and feet will be dry. Just get in the habit of rubbing it on every day.
• Your hair- don’t wait for it all to fall out. I did that until I thought I’d die just from being mortified brush-full by brush-full. It takes guts, but you’ll be much happier to have it all shaved off and throw on your wig, than you will be watching it daily disappear. Or seeing it on the counter, on your clothes and the floor.
• Nausea- hard candy to suck on helps. Red liquorish too! Some say tea, lemons, unfortunately you’ll have to find your own magic trick for that one. Peppermint gum also works!
• If you get that “chemo taste and smell” stuck in you, try using plastic utensils. It lessens the metallic taste in your mouth.
• Get the port! It’s easier to have one place that they take your labs from and inject the chemo into, than to try and find available veins every time. You’ll wind up as one big black and blue blob that hurts! The thinner you are, the more the port will stand out, so be prepared to wear scarves or bring your hair/wig to the front, so that it rests on top and hides it!
• Cold Cap is a devise that some people swear by, but it’s uncomfortable. It’s a dry ice type of cap that you wear on your head while the chemo is injected. It’s supposed to stop hair loss. I found out about it too late.
• Biotin is supposed to help regrowth of your hair after you finish with the chemo.
• Finally, your doctor’s job is to make you as comfortable as they can so don’t be afraid to call and say, “Hey, I feel like crap! What can we change that’ll make me feel better!”
All of this to make yourself look presentable to the public and your family! It’s a lot of work, but once you get into the routine it becomes quicker. I promise.
(OK! We’re Back!)
I’ve been given a finish date if all goes according to plan! Mach 3rd is my last chemo injection. As exhilarated as I am to know it, is as frightened as I am to see what those next three months will show, when I go back for that quarterly blood test. But just the fact that I don’t have to have the meds or leave work or worry about reactions to the meds for three solid months, is a blessing! I’m excited to see what color my hair grows back as- they say it’s always different!
The week before last, my red count was a 7, which is dangerously low; with a normal count being 12-15. It’s severely anemic and the nurse couldn’t understand how I’d been to the gym the night before without dropping over from exhaustion! My Dr. was in surgery, my chemo nurse found a "go-between" nurse to ask if I could go through with the procedure.
She said “No.”
I said, “I want to talk to her nurse, not the "go-between" nurse. I want my chemo!” She left the room and went on the hunt for my Dr.'s nurse.
She came in, sat down and said to me, “Do you know how much I dreaded coming to see you today because I had no makeup on?” I said, “Are you crazy? You’re beautiful either way! Did you not work all day around people that saw you with no makeup?” She said, “Yeah, but you’re a cancer patient and you have chemo every week, and yet you still come in here dressed to the nines, makeup and hair perfect! I just can’t stand that I don’t look like I should when you’re here!”
Another miraculous moment of truth between doctors, nurses and patients. I told her “I loved her and thank you," but I wasn't leaving without having chemo, and what did I have to do to make that happen?” She said, “you have to have a blood transfusion tomorrow and you must promise to get it done!” WHY WOULDN’T I??? We virtually shook on it. The next day, 2 more pints of blood were generously donated to me by the same two male nurses from last time. One said, “you gonna’ snore again today when we knock you out?” I almost hit him! I said, “I only snore when I'm on my back!" He laughed out loud! Omg- I was so humiliated, as I finished with, "Give me a pillow that I can hug while lying on my side!”An hour later I heard, “Robin, Robin,…wake up!” I woke uttering, “I was Not Snoring!” He said, “Turn over onto your back; your blood pressure dropped to 64 over 32!” Of course my retort was, “It serves you right for making me sleep on my side!”
I feel like I’m comin’ round the bend… heading towards the end… holding my breath with each weekly lab result, just praying they won’t stop me from having the treatment. To have no control over your own red-white counts is very frustrating! Each time I’m prevented from having the chemo they tack it on the end. It’s Enough already!
Now, I’m waiting for the next set of numbers to come in…talk about a roller coaster ride! One week my white count is crazy and the next week my red count is dropping to the floor. We are squeaking through to the end! I’ve got big circles on my calendar that show FIVE MORE WEEKS!!! I’m almost there!
I think I’ll have a surprise blog at the end! Something that will make you laugh and hopefully bring you back for more blog reading, if I wind up outside of that 15-20% success group and must continue with chemo. I’ll need to do something silly to hook you, just in case!I wanted to mention that my mom was just moved out of the ICU this week after 3 months and into a nursing home, but she’s still on a ventilator which leaves me unable to talk with her. I’m also not permitted to go see her, because the flu is running rampant in Pittsburgh. It's a difficult time, for sure.… and finally, my best friend who was hospitalized 8 weeks ago after suffering from a stroke, is out and doing so much better; still has a long way to go, but he’s made it! He’s so friggin’ determined to be Superman, and I admire his tenacity! I’m glad to have him back, and it didn’t hurt, that I let him borrow my Cape! So what if it's pink? It's true! Real men DO wear pink (and they like it!)
I'm not sure what day it is NOW… but if feels like day TEN!
This was to have been a four day procedure!…..And at this point there are no veins left to prod and a temper that's about to explode! The culprit? My "Bowels are sleeping and they won't wake the F.. UP!"
First of all it's a subject I never discuss… EVER! Me and the bathroom are two very private entities, just ask my husband: he's never seen me in the "powder room" while we were married? Never! My mom told me to keep mystery in a marriage. She said, "you should never let a man see you at your worst", and now here I am blogging about it. Where has my shame gone?
Medically I've had tubes in my nose that are killing my throat, one IV that's holding needles, no pain from the surgery, but yet no gain either. It's very frustrating to feel good after major surgery and still have to stick around the hospital. These doctors live a backwards life, making rounds at 4:30AM and not ending until 8am…in 15 min increments. By the time they get to me I'm so exhausted from doc number 1 that I can't think straight for doc number 4! They expect me to be coherent?
I'm worried about work. I left my assistants in charge, and I'm so proud of them, but it was a lot to prepare them for, both clerically and emotionally. I check in as often as I can and a lot depends on what tube is sticking out of where.
I'm worried about my kids. It's lonely without them, yet I don't think I'd want them to see me like this. They know me as the strong mom, not the weak one. I wonder if that was a mistake, to raise them like that under false pretenses. I think I was weaker more often than not during their upbringing but I put on a great show. I'm really not sure, it could be my frame of mind that's having me lean in that direction. They hardly call me, but it can't be because they don't love me, but maybe more because they're assuming I'm OK. I'm not sure.
Of course there are those little creeper thoughts about, "where might there be a teeny weenie bit of cancer just lurking and ready to pounce when I'm finally feeling good for a minute and get to go home. So ladies I want you to know the surgery and recovery part isn't bad. IF you catch it soon enough! It's all this other crap that'll make you nuts!
I'm sooo not looking forward to the chemo. My eyes tear when I think about throwing up and losing my hair. Our hair is such an important part of our being. It makes us feel sexy, desired. I can't, just can't even imagine what it will be like to lose that essence. I know lots of women have done it and are the stronger for it. I applaud them! I just don't know if I'll be able to be like them. I wanted time to find the perfect wig, but they're keeping me in here and who can rush while shopping for a wig, especially having never done it before! I wish there was a traveling wig store that would come to the hospital with models to show different sassy looks!
The oddest thing happened last night between my book "The Diary of a Sugar Mom," which I just recently released as FACTION, and an email I received from a character in the book that I hadn't talked to in many, many years. I didn't understand why he sent me a link, and wrote him asking so, only to realize his email had been hijacked. I thought to myself that it was so odd that of all times he'd indirectly write me while I'm the hospital because of spam! We'd shared quite a past together and if he only knew that he was a big part in my book, lol, he'd have a cow! Next thing you know he called me! Talk about bringing the book to life! Dear god, I don't think either of us was prepared for last night's conversation! I didn't tell him he was in the book. I still have this stupid way of trying to protect the men I've been with, even if they were idiots along the way, but it felt good to hear him laugh and remember the "good parts."
Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Holding on to the good parts and learning from the bad, and then just letting go?
Hopefully for all of us that are undergoing chemo we too, will be able to remember how beautiful our hair was, as we move forward to healthiness. Maybe we realize it's not as important as we think? I HOPE so…
It seems like it was two weeks ago that I put a book out. I'm kind of thinking maybe it needed to be longer. Obviously it was lacking in content. Why else would I be hit with a topic that I need to learn about in a hurry, and a disease that many have questions about that I have to be the damned "chosen one" to explain! This goes above and beyond reason! All that know me well will expect to hear the Next set of words come tumbin' out…"This? Is Ridiculous!"
So let me begin with what I've learned that still hasn't stuck yet: I'm not good with directions so I've avoided paperwork, and the first thing I've discovered is there are Students, that talk, talk and talk some more because it makes them feel important! Nothing wrong with feeling special as along as you're offering the correct info to the patient.
Then there are "Residents" who seem smarter than the students, but you need to be careful of what you ask because while they're Not Students, they're still not as smart as Doctors. Let's not skip over the "Fellow." WTF is a Fellow? A good old chap? By the time you're done processing who's who and who's said What, you may want to climb back up on the surgery table and ask everyone to start over! THIS TIME though, you want Labels on your parts taken OUT and parts that are being Fixed.
One Person told me what ever cancer is left, after they look at the path slides next week, I'll be in pain again from the New cancer. I said, "I was never in pain from the Old Cancer! Why would it hurt this go-round?" Fellow came in tonight and after I relayed this passed on info, she said, "That was a Student talking- IGNORE them!" What? I'm not in the habit of ignoring medical people and I'm almost wishing now that they'd wear colored name tags to determine who sits in what chair? If you ever find yourself with a million questions don't take the word of anyone who is NOT your Doctor! OMG, these people are almost as bad as jocks in the radio industry! We all just want to be heard.
I've learned that the Doctor wants me to get through 2 rounds of double-dipping chemo, but with the hope that I'll manage 6 rounds! So Now I have to wonder if I can beat the odds and go the distance just for the principal of it, or if I should just expect to get through 2 rounds and be happy.
This one takes the cake: My mom thought my surgery was NEXT Monday! So she never called the day of! If it didn't hurt to laugh, I'd be howling! It's good to laugh on paper. My kids can't believe that my husband who I'm separated from for 5 years now, is the one that came in to be with me. Five kids uttering, "Mom? What's Wrong with you guys??' Like… where did Dad sleep??"
Ok. The facts for those women that wonder:
A. Always look to see if you're bleeding especially after menopause,
B. Watch for bloating for no reason.
C. Keep track of UTI's.
D. If you need a hysterectomy it may be from cancer- they don't always know what kind. Let them run labs, blood work, biopsies… whatever they need to do- Don't get in the way!
Lastly keep your sense of humor. It's rare that you get the opportunity to laugh but when you do? Use it to the hilt! It feels so good to feel as though you're beating the odds! One more thing: Sorry! don't be afraid to ask questions!
Third day waking up in my own bed! It's been scary! The first night I truly believed they'd let me out of the hospital too soon and as a a result I never unpacked my suitcase. In fact today that chore will be completed. Three days later.
It's just amazing how one day you're the woman that always wears dresses, heels, nails and would never leave the house without makeup on and the next day you become someone who has to learn how to walk in heels again!
It bothers me that I was so health conscious and so exercise regimented … how does ones own body let that kind of a person down? It's not fair to not trust in your own body, but the truth is, I don't! I feel like a walking time-bomb.
On the other hand- it took me a few days to figure out that I've already won more than half the battle. I've been sitting here worrying to death about the chemo part when I should have been rejoicing in the fact that I kicked the cancer's ass and had it all removed! I think things happen so quickly that we tend to lose our priorities or focus in times like this. So now, I'm gearing up for the chemo- getting my body stronger- going home for a dose of my kids first – and then… watch out.You've never seen a woman with a purpose in mind- as much as Me. I have Major Fish to Fry!
I need to gain back 10lbs.
I need to learn how to wear the wig I've picked out and God Damn it? It's prettier than my OWN hair!
I need to become sure-footed again, heels will be the Only option.
Most importantly I need to let my kids see that I'm a fighter.
Then I'm back to work, back on my book tour, back to radio interviews, TV interviews, right back to being the "Sugar Mom."
I'd like to ask something of you. Since you've decided to take this journey with me, and have made me feel more secure while having you near… I'd like you to see just where the journey began by buying my book: "The Diary of a Sugar Mom. Don't Tell the Kids!" STOP. This is not a sales ploy- I make less than $1 a book. This is, "ya' can't take the next steps with me, not totally,.. unless you understand who I really am, what made me get to this place- what exactly is a Sugar Mom versus a Sugar Baby, in the Sugar Daddy world. It's important to me that you understand what preceded me screaming about cancer, telling women to get up, get to the doctor and get checked Now! If you see blood after menopause GO to your doctor immediately! I caught ovarian cancer Early because I was proactive. I'm begging you to tell your wife, girlfriend, daughter, mom, etc to do the same. The book will show you where this woman, me,…came from. I want you to know her. It's not about the sale- $3 for a download, $7 for a book? It's just a way to cross the bridge and come further into my world.
If you choose not to, that's ok. We're still on the road… you'll just never have the insight I'm wanting to share with you.
Here's my site if you choose to read the book: Sugar Mom and click on Book.
I've not lost my figure, although I've lost some muscle tone from laying in bed while in the hospital so today I'm going for a walk, buying a sexy one piece bathing suit at Victoria Secret and then laying at the pool in it! My bikini will wait-jealously in the closet while these stitches heal and disappear! As I said, Lots of Fish to Fry!
It turned out to be Ovarian cancer alone; not Uterine. I always thought Ovarian was the "death sentence."
I hurt like hell!
Each area, from the base of my neck to the tops of my thighs should have a little button that when pushed would say, "Don't TOUCH me!" I'd also stomp my foot if I had the ability to do so!
The good news is they got it all, the "not so good” news is, she took about 20 snippets from all over the rest of my organs and sent them out to be biopsied. Now? I sit and wait for results. If you know me, you have to know that patience is not one of my virtues. Just for futures, you should know that I don't do well in traffic or on-hold, either.
I'm pretty sure that within my entire life, I've allowed myself to throw up, maybe 5 times, max, that's it! I will do anything in the world to avoid it! I get sick just thinking about it, but, the real deal of chemo in my future is sounding like its own death sentence.
Today while thinking about how I'll handle having no hair, I walked the hospital halls with my very own pole! (No, not a stripper pole!) This pole had an IV bottle hung on it. I knew a pole would have a use in my life, but I never anticipated that its contents would carry a lifesaving liquid. Having insight is a wonderful thing!
Thank you for taking this journey with me, I truly believe I couldn't do it alone.
Third day waking up in my own bed! It's been scary! The first night I truly believed they'd let me out of the hospital too soon and as a a result I never unpacked my suitcase. In fact today that chore will be completed. Three days later.
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