Robin Marshalls Arts: Voice and Paint

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She Goes, and She Comes.

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DFW June 10th, 2015     

Two Endings

 I find that the only time I’ve got available to write lately is while I’m flying from city  to city.

 

9 days to go…I’m down to the wire now. My three-month check-up is on the 19th of June. I know this will sound crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I’m self-sabotaging.For example, not eating, resting, drinking enough water. I just don’t want “Cancer” to have the right to screw up this next blood test; I’d rather take the blame myself! As warped as that sounds, it still allows me to have some sense of control!

So much has happened,… I don’t even know how to pretend that “everything’s OK,” anymore. When you’ve been sick, healed, really gotten a lot better, enjoyed life and then are faced with a reality check like this one coming up… it’s a tough pill to swallow.

 

Within these last three months, looking back…

 

I had my final chemo session.

I made several trips back and forth to see my mom while she was in the hospital.

I made several trips to SC to spend time with my kids.

I took my family to Disney World! I was afraid, “what if there’s not another chance?”

All the while working full-time from a multitude of homemade, nationally sounding studios.

My corporate office and studio closed down, forcing my staff to a relocation to our separate homes, for now.

 

My mom passed away…. No words.

 

I’ve been moving into a new house nearby, slowly… car load by car load with a red mustang with the top down. Something out of a modern day “Beverly HillBilly’s” episode.

The movers finally showed up last Saturday for the stuff I couldn’t fit into my car! They unloaded all by 3:30 am during torrential downpours!

I left the next day for my youngest’s HS graduation, which is the beginning of her life- one which I was so thrilled to have a part in, and worked from yet another SC home studio, in between dogs barking and a friggin’ bird that wouldn’t stop chirping!

A week later, I’m now on the plane heading home.

After a grueling work week, I walked into a house filled with boxes and no sense of order whatsoever.

I’ve spent from that night after my flight landed, until the next evening unpacking, searching for things I’d forgotten I had, …and then putting them away.

I talked to 25 plants in my courtyard, bargaining with them; “I’ll stay home if you’ll come back to life? I promise I won’t neglect you anymore? Just GROW God damn it?”

 

I’ve made this house into a home.

 

I walk around from room to room wondering what my mom would’ve thought about ‘this and that’… sorry that she’ll never see this part of my life.

 

I’ve found the answer to my age-old question: “Do we Ever stop being the child?” No. Even after they die, we’re still wishing for their praise. We take nuggets of “atta girls”  from others, and make them bigger than they really are because we know we’ll never get that parental praise again. We milk whatever we can get until we finally realize we’re acting ridiculously.

 

I’m still trying to find it within me to mourn properly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve still not mourned properly for my Dad- and that was 4 years ago. How long can we hold things in until the dam breaks?

 

I’m so tired.

I have also made an appointment at MD Anderson,…. just in case. They have new technology and studies that deal with Ovarian Cancer. I’m seeing the head of the department, and I argued over the fact that it might take 2-3 days for the completion of the tests! Who have I become? It all goes back to self-sabotaging. I should be grateful that she’s seeing me – at all, -and yet I put up a wall. 

My mom would call it a “phase, or a stage” that I’m going through. Can someone tell me- When do those things END?

 

I guess it’s been a huge life lesson, to not take anyone or anything for granted. Even while I’m feeling great, … I was feeling great the last time too… and had no knowledge of what was battling inside my body? So why should I feel contented This time around?

“Twists and turns build character,” as my mom would’ve said… but, as my dad would’ve said, “You need a strong set of “sea legs” too.” Well? I have enough character to last a FULL lifetime, and my sea legs are stronger than anyone else’s I know. Gimme’ a ship that’s rockin’ and I’ll throw in the air guitar! BTW I play 11,000 air guitars, so you ‘d never tire of my style. :-).

 

While in such a hurry to pack before I left – I thought about unpacking and taking  my time when I returned, … really? Who am I kidding! I’m the ‘Type A’ woman who wants what she wants when she wants it; even if it Kills her! And I don’t mind doing it myself! Although- there was this gigundous (sp?) mirror that arrived. It was the first thing in this house that I admitted defeat on; “NO Robin, you can NOT hang a 6 foot 75 lb mirror by yourself!” At least I listened?

 

Each box that I unpacked contained a piece of my life while  throwing out the baggage that no longer matters.

 

That’s what Life is all about. Taking our time, holding on to what matters and throwing out the tumult; and by all means- taking risks! That risk will make or break your life! How intense to know that we CAN make a difference!

Thank you for following along, and feel free to make comments, I’ve finally figured out how to Answer! Hahaha!

 

In spite of the 3 mont h check up I’ve got all kinds of things going on….

 

I’m about to make you “silly up” and laugh like an idiot! No, this is not my day job… but our nights are going to take on a new life!! Does the idea of conversing with a blow-up doll spike your interest? “WHOA! What he said to me??? I should have slapped him! But? He’s full of hot air anyway! ;-” (It’s called foreshadowing.)

 

Look forward to hearing from me whether good news or bad, because I’m just not the type who can stand by and watch things happen. We’ll be laughing together all the way to the end, or there by the grace of God, a new beginning!

Glasses raised to June 19th! Cross everything ya’ got! I could use it!

 

Much love,

 

Robin

You Will Not Believe My News!

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Feb 16th, 2015 Dallas, Tx.

Never Say Never!

If you have been following my blog, you’ll know that 2 days ago I posted I was to go in today to have 4 chemo injections done in a 6 hour session. You know I have dreaded this- but they felt as I felt- I couldn’t handle the week to week any more. My body felt so filled up with chemo that I just knew I was the equivalent to being “Done!” 

FOR ONCE- Something has gone MY WAY in this medical nightmare!!!

I woke up to a voice message from my Dr’s PA (no, that is not something you listen to music through! It stands for Physician’s Assistant, you radio/DJ nuts).

The message read like this: “Robin, I’ve sat and gone through your chart, took it tothe Dr, and she agrees: We Miscalculated! You have already completed 6 cycles of chemo- YOU ARE DONE!”

Picture me- in bed, listening to this message on the day that I felt would be the worst day of my life-… I sat straight up… literally threw the covers off and started jumping up and down!!!

I’M DONE!!!! I’m a SURVIVOR!!! You Helped me through- and I can’t Thank you enough for all the support that has come my way!!!

All this on the day before my birthday!!! WHAT A GIFT!!!! Holy Shit!!! Hey- I’m allowed to swear, it’s MY Birthday. Hmph!!!

This weekend I’m going to see my mom! 🙂 Finally….

The only bad news is, I’ve been choreographing my “happy dance” and figured I still had two weeks left- so I’m gonna’ have to wing it, which won’t be difficult since I’m pretty much dancing in my seat anyway!!! Be watching for my Youtube video! LOL!

I seriously don’t think I’ve ever written a piece and used so many exclamation points in my life. Improper, but who gives??

This is the best birthday gift I’ve ever received in my life.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes too, and NO- you’re not late! It’s tomorrow. My life begins again, today, said the Sugar Mom! …. <3

Love you all,

Robin

It’s a Number’s Game!

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CA-125This is a quickie! It's meant for every woman to see and every person that loves that woman to see! It's a gentle reminder before the New Year to please don't ignore any symptoms that your body might be trying to tell you. From migraines to unnecessary bleeding… to losing weight or feeling swollen. We know our bodies better than anyone and I for one, care about you as do the people that love you.

This is my chart for a test called CA125. It measures the detection of cancer in your system- but it's also just an indicator that something is amiss, for instance where you see the higher number this just followed my surgery. As my doctor explained to me, all your insides were stirred up so we expect the number to go higher.

What I'm wanting you to see is the steady decline in that number which shows the chemo is working! I have a very positive attitude and my wish for the New Year is to keep that attitude!!! Plus throw in my humor like a staple, as I do!

Never be afraid to call me if you have questions, and we all know at this point in time- my gmail account was hacked into so I'm WAITING like a Good Girl for Google to give it BACK! You can reach me through FB for now.

Take a look! The lower the number the better!

I actually think I'm gonna' beat this!!! Nothin' up my sleeve? Presto!

The More I Know, the Less I Understand

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Dec. 14th, 2014

The More I Know, the Less I Understand.

I’m in a black hole. I don’t know what’s more important any more: to preserve My life, or fix those lives around me that I love as much or even more. I have no control over either, it seems. It seems like just yesterday that I was able to control something… but now, all that mattered, falls at angles I’ve never seen, thus I have no idea how to straighten them out! It’s as if I’m in another world.

The two people I spoke at length with the most on a daily basis, almost feel as if they’ve disappeared off the planet; my planet. My mom and my best friend, who collectively have been in the hospital for the last 4 ½ months. My mom still can’t talk, due to a trach tube embedded in her neck, while also attached to a ventilator and my best friend is too weak to carry on the way we did on the phone, for hours at a time, after suffering from a stroke. I’m lucky if he can offer a minute or two. It certainly has my head spinning in the opposite direction from where I began. In fact, I’m not sure where the beginning is any more; pre-cancer or during-cancer. We all got sick chronologically, so the world took on a different dimension for me.

The part that is so disconcerting is that I have a potentially fatal disease, and I was fully prepared to explain away to all, that I can’t help it… I didn’t plan on it… I did nothing to deserve it, and if I die- please know that I love you and don’t take it personally! My intent was and is to try like the dickens to beat it! It seems easier to do when those you love are strong and supportive. When they unexpectedly drop from their own illnesses that were unforeseen… what happens to the "support team?” Does it sound selfish that I feel so alone because of their "now you see me, now you don’t,” similarities? I can’t help it! Everyone told me ahead of time to make sure I had my SUPPORT TEAM during chemo! I did what I was told to do, and I leaned on them when needed. Did I lean too hard? I almost feel like the evil force that they came in contact with was because of my doing. Crazy as it sounds, they were mine. They were the ones that kept me afloat when I felt I was losing durability. That extra spin cycle in the wash that you use to make the clothes dry faster, maybe I used them up by trying to get well faster, and they both got sick.
It’s the writer in me that allows myself to think in these ways; I’m not crazy but I do allow my imagination to go into that "overdrive cycle.” It will be the death of me… not the cancer. For goodness sake, I still think there are alligators under my bed from when I was 6!

Many say to me, "Wow! You’re half way through, look how well you’ve done with your chemo!” I smile, as I think about those around me that are no longer around me… and silently, in my head I try to explain, "Yes, I’m half way through with the EASY half! I’m entering into the half I’ve not yet seen. The part that steals your eyebrows, lashes, energy and will.” This is the side of chemo that all other women I’ve spoken with that have had cancer and lived through it – have experienced. This explains the knowing looks they give me when they’ve seen me with energy and filled with smiles; it explains the question my doctor keeps asking over and over, "any loss of feeling in your toes or fingers?” Now I understand. This is the half of chemo that takes you by total surprise; the part that laughs at you when you think you know what to expect!

I GIVE. I admit: I don’t know what’s coming on a day to day basis. When the littlest changes occur, the things these other women knew that I didn’t… I can’t share it with my support team! They are now more sick than me! It’s almost as if the cancer was so pissed off after being removed from my insides, that it is retaliating by playing havoc with my loved ones. I want to race in front of it to face it- and "bitch-slap” it back into position; Stay where you are, you filthy disease, and take your claws out of them! Work your powers on Me- not Them! No, I’m not a martyr at all, I’m just trying to understand the relevance of this poor timing on the people I love.

"I’m leaving on a jet plane…” after spending the weekend with my mom while she’s still in the hospital, wondering if I’ll ever see her again. I was shocked into silence when I saw her after just two months prior, but I quickly regained my composure and listened to all she had to say, as she mouthed the words that couldn’t be spoken, due to still relying on a ventilator, I lied when she asked how I was because what mother wants to know that their child isn’t holding up as well as they expected, and I told her stories to make her laugh and giggle! "Robin Stories,” that are next to impossible for most. It was so good to see her laugh! I showed her pictures of the kids… told her about work, about my friend… about my love life…. Until I ran out of things I thought would interest her. Then she looked at me and asked the question: "Robin, how ARE you?” I was speechless. I shrugged my shoulders, looked the other way as if distracted, and said, "Compared to you Mom? I’m just fine! Can we please talk about getting you off of these damned machines?”
When do we reach the age where we can finally fool our own moms? We thought we could when we were 16; but in our 50’s? The fact that we still try is beyond comprehension! Do we EVER grow up while we still have our parents? I think there’s a part of us that remains on hold until they go.

The cancer is still a part of my life and lately I feel the safest on the days when I go for chemo. I know it’s being zapped, … I know what my numbers are and then I live from day to day until the following chemo session! I worry about what it’ll be like when it’s over! Now THAT’S crazy.

Please continue to say prayers for those I love and throw in one or two for you! You matter to me, very much!

Much love and kisses too- my plane is about to land.

Robin