DFW June 10th, 2015
I find that the only time I’ve got available to write lately is while I’m flying from city to city.
9 days to go…I’m down to the wire now. My three-month check-up is on the 19th of June. I know this will sound crazy, but sometimes I feel as if I’m self-sabotaging.For example, not eating, resting, drinking enough water. I just don’t want “Cancer” to have the right to screw up this next blood test; I’d rather take the blame myself! As warped as that sounds, it still allows me to have some sense of control!
So much has happened,… I don’t even know how to pretend that “everything’s OK,” anymore. When you’ve been sick, healed, really gotten a lot better, enjoyed life and then are faced with a reality check like this one coming up… it’s a tough pill to swallow.
Within these last three months, looking back…
I had my final chemo session.
I made several trips back and forth to see my mom while she was in the hospital.
I made several trips to SC to spend time with my kids.
I took my family to Disney World! I was afraid, “what if there’s not another chance?”
All the while working full-time from a multitude of homemade, nationally sounding studios.
My corporate office and studio closed down, forcing my staff to a relocation to our separate homes, for now.
My mom passed away…. No words.
I’ve been moving into a new house nearby, slowly… car load by car load with a red mustang with the top down. Something out of a modern day “Beverly HillBilly’s” episode.
The movers finally showed up last Saturday for the stuff I couldn’t fit into my car! They unloaded all by 3:30 am during torrential downpours!
I left the next day for my youngest’s HS graduation, which is the beginning of her life- one which I was so thrilled to have a part in, and worked from yet another SC home studio, in between dogs barking and a friggin’ bird that wouldn’t stop chirping!
A week later, I’m now on the plane heading home.
After a grueling work week, I walked into a house filled with boxes and no sense of order whatsoever.
I’ve spent from that night after my flight landed, until the next evening unpacking, searching for things I’d forgotten I had, …and then putting them away.
I talked to 25 plants in my courtyard, bargaining with them; “I’ll stay home if you’ll come back to life? I promise I won’t neglect you anymore? Just GROW God damn it?”
I’ve made this house into a home.
I walk around from room to room wondering what my mom would’ve thought about ‘this and that’… sorry that she’ll never see this part of my life.
I’ve found the answer to my age-old question: “Do we Ever stop being the child?” No. Even after they die, we’re still wishing for their praise. We take nuggets of “atta girls” from others, and make them bigger than they really are because we know we’ll never get that parental praise again. We milk whatever we can get until we finally realize we’re acting ridiculously.
I’m still trying to find it within me to mourn properly. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’ve still not mourned properly for my Dad- and that was 4 years ago. How long can we hold things in until the dam breaks?
I’m so tired.
I have also made an appointment at MD Anderson,…. just in case. They have new technology and studies that deal with Ovarian Cancer. I’m seeing the head of the department, and I argued over the fact that it might take 2-3 days for the completion of the tests! Who have I become? It all goes back to self-sabotaging. I should be grateful that she’s seeing me – at all, -and yet I put up a wall.
My mom would call it a “phase, or a stage” that I’m going through. Can someone tell me- When do those things END?
I guess it’s been a huge life lesson, to not take anyone or anything for granted. Even while I’m feeling great, … I was feeling great the last time too… and had no knowledge of what was battling inside my body? So why should I feel contented This time around?
“Twists and turns build character,” as my mom would’ve said… but, as my dad would’ve said, “You need a strong set of “sea legs” too.” Well? I have enough character to last a FULL lifetime, and my sea legs are stronger than anyone else’s I know. Gimme’ a ship that’s rockin’ and I’ll throw in the air guitar! BTW I play 11,000 air guitars, so you ‘d never tire of my style. :-).
While in such a hurry to pack before I left – I thought about unpacking and taking my time when I returned, … really? Who am I kidding! I’m the ‘Type A’ woman who wants what she wants when she wants it; even if it Kills her! And I don’t mind doing it myself! Although- there was this gigundous (sp?) mirror that arrived. It was the first thing in this house that I admitted defeat on; “NO Robin, you can NOT hang a 6 foot 75 lb mirror by yourself!” At least I listened?
Each box that I unpacked contained a piece of my life while throwing out the baggage that no longer matters.
That’s what Life is all about. Taking our time, holding on to what matters and throwing out the tumult; and by all means- taking risks! That risk will make or break your life! How intense to know that we CAN make a difference!
Thank you for following along, and feel free to make comments, I’ve finally figured out how to Answer! Hahaha!
In spite of the 3 mont h check up I’ve got all kinds of things going on….
I’m about to make you “silly up” and laugh like an idiot! No, this is not my day job… but our nights are going to take on a new life!! Does the idea of conversing with a blow-up doll spike your interest? “WHOA! What he said to me??? I should have slapped him! But? He’s full of hot air anyway! ;-” (It’s called foreshadowing.)
Look forward to hearing from me whether good news or bad, because I’m just not the type who can stand by and watch things happen. We’ll be laughing together all the way to the end, or there by the grace of God, a new beginning!
Glasses raised to June 19th! Cross everything ya’ got! I could use it!
Much love,
Robin
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