I ended last week with my message being, “I am not concerned about who will bring me tea if I’m sick! I am so tired of people telling me, “ya know… we’re not getting any younger.” It’s as if everyone around me is racing the clock! What do you think is going to happen? I’m in my fifties, not death row! Even being in your sixties doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door! Am I the only one out here that is oblivious to the ticking of the clock?
Just the fact that I can call you and say, “Hey, I just wanted to hear your voice,” brings me comfort. Just knowing you’re there if I need you is more than enough.
Between then and now, the best friend who I’d just had this argument with about this damned ticking clock, has wound up in the hospital after having a stroke.
My first instinct is to be so mad at him for leaving me defenseless, I mean… how do I go through a day or days not talking to him? He’s been my lifeline! I thought I was his! How many times, selfishly speaking, can one woman learn to adapt? No, as I said, I don’t need someone to bring me tea when I don’t feel well, but I Do need someone important to talk to on a daily basis; someone who’s opinion matters to me; someone that won’t laugh at me if I ask a question that may seem redundant and will take the time and offer the concern to give me their opinion.
My second instinct is to think, “Holy crap, he was right! We’re not getting any younger!” This is the part I’m having the most trouble with; I don’t think it’s age related but I do think the longer we live the more apt we are to have more things happen to us, regardless of how we take care of ourselves. Our bodies can only withstand so much as we live year after year, but we can’t use this excuse for young children with cancer or rare diseases. Is it just “bad luck?” A “spin of the wheel?” “Russian Roulette?” It just can’t all be related to age and yet there he lies in the hospital debilitated with an unexpected illness out of left field and here I am walking around feeling as good as I get, while having cancer! Just when things start to come around to making sense again… they don’t.
This happened while visiting my family in SC and really knocked me for a loop. There I go again, sounding just like my mom. ENOUGH with the apples!
My youngest daughter told me today after seeing me for the first time in a long while, since being diagnosed, that she didn’t expect me to look like I do! She said, “Mom, you look exactly like you did… even better than you did before you had cancer! I’ve never met anyone that looks like you do that has cancer!” I laughed out loud! “Did you expect me to arrive on a stretcher?” “No, but mom…. Is your head soft like the rest of your skin?” She had me in stitches again, and I told her, “when you come to Dallas in a couple of weeks, I’ll let you feel it!”
It’s funny, I’ve had 3 out of 5 kids visit so far since finding out I had/have ovarian cancer and each one I allowed to see me without my wig, and had no problem with it at all, and yet when together as a family, I just couldn’t walk around that way. I left my wig on for 6 days while visiting… I just couldn’t do it. Maybe I was afraid to let my husband see me? He’s the one who’s seen me at my worst, so no, I don’t think that’s it. It’s still something I’m trying to figure out while I’m on the plane headed back to Dallas. Next week my 18 year old comes to visit and the following week my 17 year old arrives. The first thing I’ll do is whip off my wig and say, “Ta-dah!!! – and no, I haven’t the slightest idea why! I guess that’s where the saying, “to know me is to love me,” comes from.
Throughout this whole blog, I’m fighting back tears because my friend is so sick. I can’t believe after all these years he didn’t have a secret cape in his closet, like I did! If we lived in the same state, I’d lend him mine. He’s man enough to wear pink and not mind people staring. It only goes to show that all illnesses can hit at any age, some you see coming and some you don’t; it’s still important to be proactive and go to the Dr. and fix the ones we might be fortunate enough to see heading our way.
I have chemo tomorrow, I’ve developed some kind of rash that’s actually under my skin on my arms that itches me. My Dr. insists it’s a reaction from the chemo, and I load myself up with Benadryl cream. If that’s the worst I have to complain about, I’m happy!
Please pray for my friend’s speedy recovery. I don’t feel like a whole person without him. He’s like my right half because he’s more right than wrong about life. Well… at least I let him think he is!
Love, hugs and many kisses to you, because one thing I did learn from my friend is we never know what tomorrow may bring. Please accept all the love and appreciation I’m offering. You are worth it!
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