Lemons to Lemonade – Ovarian Cancer

UT Southwestern, Dallas Texas

I'm not sure what day it is NOW… but if feels like day TEN!

This was to have been a four day procedure!…..And at this point there are no veins left to prod and a temper that's about to explode! The culprit? My "Bowels are sleeping and they won't wake the F.. UP!"

First of all it's a subject I never discuss… EVER! Me and the bathroom are two very private entities, just ask my husband: he's never seen me in the "powder room" while we were married? Never! My mom told me to keep mystery in a marriage. She said, "you should never let a man see you at your worst", and now here I am blogging about it. Where has my shame gone?

Medically I've had tubes in my nose that are killing my throat, one IV that's holding needles, no pain from the surgery, but yet no gain either. It's very frustrating to feel good after major surgery and still have to stick around the hospital. These doctors live a backwards life, making rounds at 4:30AM and not ending until 8am…in 15 min increments. By the time they get to me I'm so exhausted from doc number 1 that I can't think straight for doc number 4! They expect me to be coherent?

I'm worried about work. I left my assistants in charge, and I'm so proud of them, but it was a lot to prepare them for, both clerically and emotionally. I check in as often as I can and a lot depends on what tube is sticking out of where.

I'm worried about my kids. It's lonely without them, yet I don't think I'd want them to see me like this. They know me as the strong mom, not the weak one. I wonder if that was a mistake, to raise them like that under false pretenses. I think I was weaker more often than not during their upbringing but I put on a great show. I'm really not sure, it could be my frame of mind that's having me lean in that direction. They hardly call me, but it can't be because they don't love me, but maybe more because they're assuming I'm OK. I'm not sure.

Of course there are those little creeper thoughts about, "where might there be a teeny weenie bit of cancer just lurking and ready to pounce when I'm finally feeling good for a minute and get to go home. So ladies I want you to know the surgery and recovery part isn't bad. IF you catch it soon enough! It's all this other crap that'll make you nuts!

I'm sooo not looking forward to the chemo. My eyes tear when I think about throwing up and losing my hair. Our hair is such an important part of our being. It makes us feel sexy, desired. I can't, just can't even imagine what it will be like to lose that essence. I know lots of women have done it and are the stronger for it. I applaud them! I just don't know if I'll be able to be like them. I wanted time to find the perfect wig, but they're keeping me in here and who can rush while shopping for a wig, especially having never done it before! I wish there was a traveling wig store that would come to the hospital with models to show different sassy looks!

The oddest thing happened last night between my book "The Diary of a Sugar Mom," which I just recently released as FACTION, and an email I received from a character in the book that I hadn't talked to in many, many years. I didn't understand why he sent me a link, and wrote him asking so, only to realize his email had been hijacked. I thought to myself that it was so odd that of all times he'd indirectly write me while I'm the hospital because of spam! We'd shared quite a past together and if he only knew that he was a big part in my book, lol, he'd have a cow! Next thing you know he called me! Talk about bringing the book to life! Dear god, I don't think either of us was prepared for last night's conversation! I didn't tell him he was in the book. I still have this stupid way of trying to protect the men I've been with, even if they were idiots along the way, but it felt good to hear him laugh and remember the "good parts."

Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Holding on to the good parts and learning from the bad, and then just letting go?

Hopefully for all of us that are undergoing chemo we too, will be able to remember how beautiful our hair was, as we move forward to healthiness. Maybe we realize it's not as important as we think? I HOPE so…

Love and thanks to you all!

What Day is it, Anyway?… Day 5?

It seems like it was two weeks ago that I put a book out.  I'm kind of thinking  maybe it needed to be longer. Obviously it was lacking in content. Why else would I be hit with a topic that I need to learn about in a hurry, and a disease that many have questions about that I have to be the damned "chosen one" to explain!  This goes above and beyond reason! All that know me well will expect to hear the Next set of words come tumbin' out…"This? Is Ridiculous!"

So let me begin with what I've learned that still hasn't stuck yet: I'm not good with directions so I've avoided paperwork, and the first thing I've discovered is there are Students, that talk, talk and talk some more because it makes them feel important! Nothing wrong with feeling special as along as you're offering the correct info to the patient.

Then there are "Residents" who seem smarter than the students, but you need to be careful of what you ask because while they're Not Students, they're still not as smart as Doctors. Let's not skip over the "Fellow." WTF is a Fellow? A good old chap? By the time you're done processing who's who and who's said What, you may want to climb back up on the surgery table and ask everyone to start over! THIS TIME though, you want Labels on your parts taken OUT and parts that are being Fixed.

One Person told me what ever cancer is left, after they look at the path slides next week, I'll be in pain again from the New cancer. I said, "I was never in pain from the Old Cancer! Why would it hurt this go-round?" Fellow came in tonight and after I relayed this passed on info, she said, "That was a Student talking- IGNORE them!" What? I'm not in the habit of ignoring medical people and I'm almost wishing now that they'd wear colored name tags to determine who sits in what chair? If you ever find yourself with a million questions don't take the word of anyone who is NOT your Doctor! OMG, these people are almost as bad as jocks in the radio industry! We all just want to be heard.

I've learned that the Doctor wants me to get through 2 rounds of double-dipping chemo, but with the hope that I'll manage 6 rounds! So Now I have to wonder if I can beat the odds and go the distance just for the principal of it, or if I should just expect to get through 2 rounds and be happy.

This one takes the cake: My mom thought my surgery was NEXT Monday! So she never called the day of! If it didn't hurt to laugh, I'd be howling! It's good to laugh on paper. My kids can't believe that my husband who I'm separated from for 5 years now, is the one that came in to be with me. Five kids uttering, "Mom? What's Wrong with you guys??'  Like… where did Dad sleep??"

Ok. The facts for those women that wonder:
A. Always look to see if you're  bleeding especially after menopause,
B. Watch for bloating for no reason.
C. Keep track of UTI's.
D. If you need a hysterectomy it may be from cancer- they don't always know what kind. Let them run labs, blood work, biopsies… whatever they need to do- Don't get in the way!
Lastly keep your sense of humor. It's rare that you get the opportunity to laugh but when you do? Use it to the hilt! It feels so good to feel as though you're beating the odds! One more thing: Sorry! don't be afraid to ask questions!

Just be sure to ask the right person!

 

Aug 20, 2014 – Dallas, Tx

Third day waking up in my own bed! It's been scary! The first night I truly believed they'd let me out of the hospital too soon and as a a result I never unpacked my suitcase. In fact today that chore will be completed. Three days later.

It's just amazing how one day you're the woman that always wears dresses, heels, nails and would never leave the house without makeup on and the next day you become someone who has to learn how to walk in heels again!

It bothers me that I was so health conscious and so exercise regimented … how does ones own body let that kind of a person down? It's not fair to not trust in your own body, but the truth is, I don't! I feel like a walking time-bomb.

On the other hand- it took me a few days to figure out that I've already won more than half the battle. I've been sitting here worrying to death about the chemo part when I should have been rejoicing  in the fact that I kicked the cancer's ass and had it all removed! I think things happen so quickly that we tend to lose our priorities or focus in times like this. So now, I'm gearing up for the chemo- getting my body stronger- going home for a dose of my kids first – and then… watch out.You've never seen a woman with a purpose in mind- as much as Me. I have Major Fish to Fry!

I need to gain back 10lbs.

I need to learn how to wear the wig I've picked out and God Damn it? It's prettier than my OWN hair!

I need to become sure-footed again, heels will be the Only option.

Most importantly I need to let my kids see that I'm a fighter.

Then I'm back to work, back on my book tour, back to radio interviews, TV interviews, right back to being the "Sugar Mom."

I'd like to ask something of you. Since you've decided to take this journey with me, and have made me feel more secure while having you near… I'd like you to see just where the journey began by buying my book: "The Diary of a Sugar Mom. Don't Tell the Kids!"  STOP.  This is not a sales ploy- I make less than $1 a book. This is, "ya' can't take the next steps with me, not totally,.. unless you understand who I really am, what made me get to this place- what exactly is a Sugar Mom versus a Sugar Baby, in the Sugar Daddy world.  It's important to me that you understand what preceded me screaming about cancer, telling women to get up, get to the doctor and get checked Now! If you see blood after menopause GO to your doctor immediately! I caught ovarian cancer Early because I was proactive. I'm begging you to tell your wife, girlfriend, daughter, mom, etc to do the same. The book will show you where this woman, me,…came from. I want you to know her. It's not about the sale- $3 for a download, $7 for a book? It's just a way to cross the bridge and come further into my world.

If you choose not to, that's ok. We're still on the road… you'll just never have the insight I'm wanting to share with you.

Here's my site if you choose to read the book: Sugar Mom and click on Book.

I've not lost my figure, although I've lost some muscle tone from laying in bed while in the hospital so today I'm going for a walk, buying a sexy one piece bathing suit at Victoria Secret and then laying at the pool in it! My bikini will wait-jealously in the closet while these stitches heal and disappear! As I said, Lots of Fish to Fry!

I'm still here!

It turned out to be Ovarian cancer alone; not Uterine. I always thought Ovarian was the "death sentence."

I hurt like hell!

Each area, from the base of my neck to the tops of my thighs should have a little button that when pushed would say, "Don't TOUCH me!" I'd also stomp my foot if I had the ability to do so!

The good news is they got it all, the "not so good” news is, she took about 20 snippets from all over the rest of my organs and sent them out to be biopsied. Now? I sit and wait for results. If you know me, you have to know that patience is not one of my virtues. Just for futures, you should know that I don't do well in traffic or on-hold, either.

I'm pretty sure that within my entire life, I've allowed myself to throw up, maybe 5 times, max, that's it! I will do anything in the world to avoid it! I get sick just thinking about it, but, the real deal of chemo in my future is sounding like its own death sentence.

Today while thinking about how I'll handle having no hair, I walked the hospital halls with my very own pole! (No, not a stripper pole!) This pole had an IV bottle hung on it. I knew a pole would have a use in my life, but I never anticipated that its contents would carry a lifesaving liquid. Having insight is a wonderful thing!

Thank you for taking this journey with me, I truly believe I couldn't do it alone.

You really matter that much to me!

Robin