Robin Marshalls Arts: Voice and Paint

Very Vocal - Very Creative - Artistically WILD!

You are here: Home / Archives for Lemons to Lemonade - Ovarian Cancer

A Mere Reflection of Myself?

//  Leave a Comment

Am I delusional or am I just refusing to drink the Kool-Aid?

I had a conversation with someone last night who is having some legal issues and may have to sort it out in front of judge. I volunteered to testify on his behalf, and the first words out of his mouth were; “Robin, you have cancer, I wouldn’t put you through any more emotional distress!” I felt that whiplash again, as if I actually forgot! He actually took me by surprise, while reminding me of what I’m living with. I said to him, “So, don’t you know me by now? You know I won’t sit back and keep my mouth shut! What does having cancer have to do with my ability to think, speak, act and tell you to shut the f-*k up? Even with his good intent, he really aggravated me!

I am so tired of people telling me, “ya know… we’re not getting any younger.” It’s as if everyone around me is racing the clock! What do you think is going to happen? I’m in my fifties, not death row! Even being in your sixties doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door! Am I the only one out here that is oblivious to the ticking of the clock?

I think what I’m trying to say is sometimes when we get sick it doesn’t mean we need a babysitter. My doctor is my sitter. She knows me! She knows better! I have all the faith in the world in her skills, and we laugh like idiots when we’re together!

Here I am, learning life from a different perspective with certain handicaps that I’ve not had before. Sure, I’m losing hours each week for chemotherapy, and imagining that my wig looks just as good as my real hair. I see myself smiling brightly in a photograph from six months ago, before I was diagnosed, and realize the wig will never look as good as my real hair did. I used to run my fingers through my hair nonchalantly and look sexy while doing it. Now, I’d rip the whole damn wig off if I tried to do that! The imperfection of my real hair getting messy and bouncing back is what I miss!

I have noticed I’m out of breath a little quicker than I used to be, and my eyesight is oddly getting worse. And what are these little red marks that are starting to show up on my legs and arms, not that I’m examining myself, but what the hell are they? I am trying all kinds of meds to erase a scar, and wonder whether I have the guts to play racquetball with a scarf on my head instead of the wig. Will it stay on? I’ve avoided wearing scarves around my neck my whole life, because I always felt suffocated. It was like a noose. But now that scarf can hide my port they use to inject chemo into me weekly. Yes, I’m the one with cancer, but I’m not the one racing time! I don’t feel like I’m in a rush to fix my life or change things up! I think I’m lucky for the amazing life I had, prior to being sick. Even with the odds against my having a complete recovery, I’m not fooling myself into believing in fairy tales. No matter what happens, I can, and will live a very productive “big girl” life!

I am not concerned about who will bring me tea if I’m sick! I’m perfectly able to drive myself to the hospital for a chemo treatment, and if I live 3 more years or 30, I’ll enjoy every day that is presented to me! No, I don’t look at each day as a victory; I just feel that as abnormal as my physical side of the cancer may be, for me, it’s normal. I’m trying to live my life without making a big to-do out of it! It’s not avoidance it’s acceptance!

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a very independent woman and that’s how I’m planning on remaining sane. Cancer only hit one part of my insides, the rest remains intact. My brain is on overdrive, not because of the disease, but because of the many things I have on my plate that excite me! My kids, my work, my book, my appearances, and my friends are the things that keep me focused and spry! OMG I just used “a mom word.”

I appreciate all the love and positive energy all of you send my way; I know it’s truly helped me. I love the fact that I can call on you just to say, “Hey, I want to hear a friendly voice,” and the smile on the other end of the phone brings me comfort. Just knowing you’re there if I need you is more than any human can ask for! Thank you!

I walked away from writing this blog during my lunch break. I wanted to make sure I still felt the same by end of day and I do! There are no clocks ticking in my immediate future, but if yours are, pick up the phone and call me. I’ll have you giggling in less than a minute and you’ll forget everything you’ve been worrying about.

You ain’t going nowhere!

Not without ME!

Xoxo

Robin

The Jury Is Back And The Verdict Is In

//  Leave a Comment

And the news is good! Actually, this is the first bit of good news I’ve had since this journey started just a few months ago. It's all about faith! Faith builds hope not only internally but amongst friends too, and you have proven to be my friends, just in case I haven't said "thank you," lately.

My CA-125 test, which measures the indication for cancer in my system came back NORMAL!!! For the first time I feel like I'm telling the truth when I say "I'm gonna' be just fine!" Even if things change back and forth over the next 4 cycles I truly feel I've got a grip on this and I have some control over my body!

I had to have a blood transfusion  yesterday because my red blood count was way too low, and at least I didn't have to add my OWN, as in these totally self-service, God forsaken gas stations, but adding a couple of pints of blood will not stop the feeling I have that I’m actually making progress and this chemo thing is actually working. Chemo is a poison that (hopefully) stops the advance of cancer cells, but also kills the good cells within you. My body requires steroids that keep me awake at night, so I do most of my writing overnights for now.  My hair growth has taken a vacation through evacuation, but I found the perfect wig, which has brought tears of laughter to my eyes on occasion when someone I see on a weekly basis, male or female, will comment that I've really let my hair grow long or they love the new color! Screw my real hair, I actually have come to determine that my own hair was a bit dried out anyway, and I'm in love with my new wig! In fact I've learned that dress- up can be fun!

I believe I'm tough and I'm going to make it through this, but honestly, there are times when I’m scared to death! I don't understand how I could take really good care of myself for my entire life, then be diagnosed with cancer. "Type A" or not, it makes no sense to me. Cancer sneaks up just like all other diseases and conditions. It doesn’t discriminate between young and old, rich or poor, black or white. What matters is how you manage it! I didn’t ask for it, but then again, this cancer just messed with the wrong woman! I really believe that now!

I'm back at work, full-time, feeling like I never missed a beat, and with regard to a more taboo subject, there IS sex after a hysterectomy and a severe diagnosis such as ovarian cancer. Scars do fade and hormone replacement is not always needed to get back in that saddle again! I can picture eyes rolling here, but I began noticing that if I spent more time trying to make myself look good again, including strong tape on my wig -LOL- and I began recognizing that I had "show stoppers" on the inside too, like a good heart and a strong soul, passion just took its own step forward! Baby steps…
Guys, she will "come back," if you'll just be patient, and ladies, don't avoid the "stirrings" when they show up! Grab hold of this wild concept that you may have thought took a very back seat… and just go slow, but take the ride and don't be afraid to enjoy yourselves!!! Too much info? I don't think so; I think Every Woman wants to know if she'll be able to be the "turn on" again, or… get turned On again! It's just our frame of minds, allowing ourselves to heal inside and out while being with the right partner.

As I began round 3 of my chemo two days ago, I knew there would be another jury deliberation. I will face it as I have in the past, with a combination of courage, and fear. That’s how it is, for me, and perhaps for any other women reading about this journey. 100 years from now, maybe my children’s children will look at their grandmother and draw on the strength that it took to write this blog. I hope so, for them, for you, and for me.

I rest my case!  Bailiff? There's order in this court!

This Truth Was One of the Hardest Things I Have Ever Told

//  Leave a Comment

Medium-RM BlueIt took Nerves of Steel to write this blog series. To just make the announcement: “Robin Marshall has Cancer, There… I Said It!” You’ll never know how frightened I was to share that news. I thought, “It is better that people hear it from me and not let it get all twisted up in a gossipy form from others.” After telling my kids about it, I thought, “How will my kids react when they read this?” Other questions that penetrated my brain like, “how will my employers’ react, my co-workers, what happens to my book that I just released, will my PR staff stay with me and ride out this storm?” “Will I even survive the operation, will they get all the cancer, what will the chemo really do to me, and will I be able to bounce back to the woman I was so comfortable being?” I mean, it took me over 50 years to finally become her!

I’m so happy that I did come forward for so many reasons! I’ve learned who my true friends are, without even having to ask. They came forward; arms open with words of encouragement and offers of help. Facebook friends that I’ve met at conventions, or just online have done nothing but be supportive by reading, applauding my baby steps and offering the high-5’s when necessary. My kids have read along and have seen the value of telling the truth. They understand that truths are worth sharing and can travel quite the distance like miles and miles of virtue just waiting to be followed; the perfect pathway.

After two years of living in Dallas, I’ve finally found the time to bring one child at a time to visit me. So far, two out of the five have come, and I’ve learned so much about them from that much needed one on one time that we seem to lose sight of as they grow up. I left them behind to support them while moving to a strange city, and at times I was the one that felt so abandoned. Losing connection with your children is like losing a limb. We all get caught up in the “whys” of life, and I’m now dedicated to making sure the other three get here too. My son arrives in a couple of weeks! The other two are fighting over who gets to come next! They want to take care of me! Never in my life, did I ever think my children would be the ones to take care of me.

My eldest sat by me during the first round of chemo and never complained as I was sick. We talked and talked about life, and its many surprises, one of them being an observation by me: she had become a woman of substance. I think she is a better daughter than I was to my own mom. I was in awe! My middle child came next and once again we discussed things that normally would be lost in the middle of a seven member family. Important things that matter to her, things I didn’t know. Things she was afraid to tell me for fear I’d be disappointed in the choices of where she wanted her life to wind up. The fact that I didn’t know that she doubted my love or my flexibility to ride with her decisions, was a total eye-opener for me. By just being able to offer advice that she willingly listened to, then seeing her exhale when she understood that I’d be by her side no matter what, was yet another huge step in my journey to the truth. I can’t wait to see what the other three will offer me in life lessons!

My eldest and I flew to Pittsburgh to see my mom who had been in the hospital for most of my initial cancer recovery period. It was the first time I was able to make that trip, and as the three of us sat in the hospital room, me being in the middle, my mom only able to talk by mouthing words and using her hands to write due to a track tube installed, I watched her lips, looked at my daughter’s eyes, wondering why they weren’t rolling anymore as they used to do with me, and then we both proceeded to get yelled at by a woman who can’t talk! My mom told me to “Shut Up,” and to my daughter she said, “I asked you to turn up the thermostat by TWO degrees, NOT THREE! Go FIX it!”

I sat between the generations of attitude and pictured that apple tree… Wow… I hope I’m around long enough to see the apples that fall from my children’s’ branches!

I’ve found that as frightening as the beginning stages had been, as I told the story of my journey I was able to accomplish something on a less personal level but an even grander scale which was to raise the alert for other women, their spouses, and their children to take note of the signs or lack thereof, for ovarian cancer. It’s a disease that can’t be seen! The only proactive medical steps are to pay attention to your body and not to shy away from things that aren’t feeling as they should.

The Payoff:

As a result of writing this blog beginning on Aug, 2014 I’ve had 9 women write to thank me for opening their eyes. Three needed a hysterectomy, three have detected some kind of cancer and they caught it early on, and the others are still waiting for their Doctor’s reports.

I am no saint. I was just a frightened  woman that felt the need to vent, explain, cry and lean… but this outcome of knowing I was able to help, makes me understand that all the fear in the world, along with that empty pit in my stomach that caused me anxiety and palpitations while telling my story, was worth it.

If one woman can write it and change the lives of nine other women, imagine how many lives we can change together by you forwarding this blog to every other woman or man who loves a woman, that you know.

Make the difference. There are over 3000 of you that are reading this blog. If every one of you forwarded it to 5 people you care about, that’s 15,000 potential lives that can be made aware or even be saved. My mom calls it “team work!” Oddly enough… so do I.

It’s those damn apples…

Hair Dryer? Yer’ Outta’ Here!

//  Leave a Comment

imagesI Did It! I’m FREE at Last! I’m back to feeling like myself! Dare I say, a Sugar Mom?

I finally realized I’d been holding myself hostage…. to my hair! I made an appointment with the woman who sold me my "patiently waiting wigs"… to cut it all off! As a cancer survivor herself, and a hair stylist, she does this for every woman who’s purchased a wig from her store.

I sat down in her chair with the cape on, and she started to cut. I stopped her; "Wait, what are you doing?” She said, "I’m taking more off, to get you closer to the finish line.” We both looked at each other via our reflections in the mirror, both survivors; both thinking maybe viewing through a reflection will cut this painful experience in half. The intensity of everything we're feeling won't show as much!

I looked her in the eye at that point and said, "This is not going to grow back for quite a while, it’s Not going to get any prettier, and there is no point in dragging this out! I’m sick to death of being afraid to brush my hair, losing clump after clump; it's almost as though my hair has held me hostage and not allowed me to be myself! Please help me to clean up this mess that I’ve allowed to manifest in and out of my head, Ok?”

She looked back at me with what I swear was my own frightened expression, left the room and came back with a look of determination and a big electric razor. She said, "Before you lose your mind completely let’s finish this job!” That was my defining moment. I knew this was the right thing to do. Finally.

The buzz began, and with the first swipe of the razor from my neck to above my ear, I felt the hair that has been a part of me since I was an infant spill off my shoulders, and on to the floor, as I felt the first tear spill slowly down my cheek.

When she finished I took a good look at who I really was in that mirror, not just my reflection, but hers too. I didn’t realize she’d been crying as well. We were both looking inside of each other’s souls. It became all too clear for me when she said, "We are more than our hair in this journey.”

It’s done!

No more hair coming out, no more worrying about leaving a trail of it on desks and floors, no more trying to cover bald spots or fearing the clogged shower drain, the stuffed brush, the receding hairline, and the reflection of my hair evacuation. All gone from the minute we swept it off the floor. She asked if I wanted to keep the cuttings, to which I quickly responded, "Hell No! They’ve caused me nothing but grief for the last few weeks!

Good riddance!”

"Hmmmm… I think I look like Annie Lennox!” Because of my sun tanned face, the top of my head looked blonde in comparison. I seriously considered going totally bald as my new look…. for a minute. Nah…not yet!

When she presented me with my new wig, I quickly took it out of her hands and explained that I needed to do this myself. I put it on, centering it on my head exactly as she’d taught me. I thought I looked like "Cousin It” from the Adams Family as we both laughed out loud. With her continuing explanation I finally figured out how to wear it, how to accept it, and how to feel better about myself than I had in weeks.

I felt liberated!

It’s amazing how one day you can’t imagine living your life without your best assets like your hair, your shape, your cosmetic "door openers!” The next day you’re forced to rely on your mind, your personality, your heart and the fact that people really do love you for who you are, not what you look like. It’s mind-blowing, almost surreal to think that I thought all my good parts might have been shortcuts to get me where I am in life!

….now I know better.

Xoxoxox

Robin

It All Comes Down To A Woman’s Hair

//  Leave a Comment

It All Comes Down To A Woman’s Hair…

quoteThere are two things you can’t mess with: a woman’s kids and a woman’s hair. For a split second I truly couldn’t figure out what I was most unhappy about; the fact I may lose my life or the realization that this newly developed “Sugar Mom” was going to have to live her immediate life without her hair!

I never realized the importance I put on what I looked like until I heard the words, “Yes, you’ll need chemotherapy and yes you’ll lose your hair.” You may as well have slapped me twice across the face because the first slap didn’t register. As a women who tries to look my best, this is the most humbling experience I’ve ever encountered.

I used to be able to get ready for work in 15 minutes; makeup, hair, dress, heels and I’d be as good as I could get! Now, I notice it’s taking me longer to make myself look even close to normal, let alone a “head-turner.” Lately I have been doing TV appearances to promote my book, you know, those “Good Morning Charlotte” type TV shots where one must be on the set by 6AM. I lay in bed at night or wake up in the morning just trying to figure out how to piecemeal myself together for the camera. Who would possibly help me with what’s left of my hair and makeup at 6am?

I used to say to my publicist “bring me all you got, I’ll be there with bells on!” I now fear that she’ll be bringing me something too big for me to handle. Since when did hair and makeup become too big to handle? From the neck down I still have the moxie, but it’s above the neck, in my head, that makes me falter. So the first swipe of the brush through my thick auburn hair shortly after my first chemotherapy treatment was devastating to me. Perhaps I thought that maybe, just maybe, I’d be that woman, you know, the one who might beat the odds;

I wasn’t!

Maybe just a little of my hair, or none would fall out;

It didn’t!

Don’t let me kid you though, I’m mortified to lose my hair. Now when I brush I can’t believe there’s any left when I see the sheer volume of my hair loss. It’s down-right scary! When it first started, all I could utter was, “Oh no…please… not me.” That’s when I became afraid to straighten, dry or even wash my hair for fear of disturbing the ebb and flow of waves that are threatening to desert my head, without my permission, for the first time in my life.

The pieces that I thought were the most secure, the most important, are the very ones at risk. In fact, I am shedding the less important superficial facets of my life faster than the Chemo is shedding the hair into my brush. My point is, we think we know what we want; our goals, our dreams, and the fine line between the two, but when something life-altering happens to us, everything changes. It’s all up for grabs like a cartoon of your life with every dream and reality on a tight-wire, where some stay balanced and some fall by the wayside.

 

I thought life was simple, and that I had finally figured it all out. Then, in walks “The Big C, like a smug, “in your face” ogre with a swagger and purpose unlike anything I’ve ever conjured up. It’s an unforgiving disease that springs up out of nowhere.

My legs! My hair! My face, My body!. All the things that I thought mattered so much, are mattering less!

It seems cancer has a way of altering life’s priorities.

PS. Please be proactive. Have your annual checkups, watch for staining after menopause, cramps out of the blue, spots on your skin, and if you feel something is out of whack, you are probably right! No one knows your body better than YOU, so please, trust your instincts and call your doctor. You are NOT being a PEST!

Love, Hugs and Kisses!

Robin