I Did It! I’m FREE at Last! I’m back to feeling like myself! Dare I say, a Sugar Mom?
I finally realized I’d been holding myself hostage…. to my hair! I made an appointment with the woman who sold me my "patiently waiting wigs"… to cut it all off! As a cancer survivor herself, and a hair stylist, she does this for every woman who’s purchased a wig from her store.
I sat down in her chair with the cape on, and she started to cut. I stopped her; "Wait, what are you doing?” She said, "I’m taking more off, to get you closer to the finish line.” We both looked at each other via our reflections in the mirror, both survivors; both thinking maybe viewing through a reflection will cut this painful experience in half. The intensity of everything we're feeling won't show as much!
I looked her in the eye at that point and said, "This is not going to grow back for quite a while, it’s Not going to get any prettier, and there is no point in dragging this out! I’m sick to death of being afraid to brush my hair, losing clump after clump; it's almost as though my hair has held me hostage and not allowed me to be myself! Please help me to clean up this mess that I’ve allowed to manifest in and out of my head, Ok?”
She looked back at me with what I swear was my own frightened expression, left the room and came back with a look of determination and a big electric razor. She said, "Before you lose your mind completely let’s finish this job!” That was my defining moment. I knew this was the right thing to do. Finally.
The buzz began, and with the first swipe of the razor from my neck to above my ear, I felt the hair that has been a part of me since I was an infant spill off my shoulders, and on to the floor, as I felt the first tear spill slowly down my cheek.
When she finished I took a good look at who I really was in that mirror, not just my reflection, but hers too. I didn’t realize she’d been crying as well. We were both looking inside of each other’s souls. It became all too clear for me when she said, "We are more than our hair in this journey.”
No more hair coming out, no more worrying about leaving a trail of it on desks and floors, no more trying to cover bald spots or fearing the clogged shower drain, the stuffed brush, the receding hairline, and the reflection of my hair evacuation. All gone from the minute we swept it off the floor. She asked if I wanted to keep the cuttings, to which I quickly responded, "Hell No! They’ve caused me nothing but grief for the last few weeks!
"Hmmmm… I think I look like Annie Lennox!” Because of my sun tanned face, the top of my head looked blonde in comparison. I seriously considered going totally bald as my new look…. for a minute. Nah…not yet!
When she presented me with my new wig, I quickly took it out of her hands and explained that I needed to do this myself. I put it on, centering it on my head exactly as she’d taught me. I thought I looked like "Cousin It” from the Adams Family as we both laughed out loud. With her continuing explanation I finally figured out how to wear it, how to accept it, and how to feel better about myself than I had in weeks.
I felt liberated!
It’s amazing how one day you can’t imagine living your life without your best assets like your hair, your shape, your cosmetic "door openers!” The next day you’re forced to rely on your mind, your personality, your heart and the fact that people really do love you for who you are, not what you look like. It’s mind-blowing, almost surreal to think that I thought all my good parts might have been shortcuts to get me where I am in life!
….now I know better.